MY OWN FUCKIN ROAD TRIP!

.                 When mom died two years ago, I got her journal. One page in her journal she said that her entire life was a struggle, it really was. And that she never got to travel or go to Disney world because of lack of money. Two months after reading that I decided that I would go on a cross country road trip and put a little bit of mom’s ashes under a tree, she loved trees, in each state so it would be like she got to travel. And while in the state of Florida I will get as close to the entrance as possible without buying a ticket, and put a little of mom’s ashes in a little hole with a sign saying something like, mom you finally made it to Disney world. I told Carol my idea and she said she wanted to go too so she could fly fish all over the country. We started planning, she was going to work on home repairs, roof, etc. , And I would buy, a little at a time, all the things we would need for life on the road in a small RV. The thought has been in process for a year, no home repairs to sell the house have been done at all. She uses my $500 rent as her play money for the month. She works from home and has a live-in disabled client, so it’s not like she doesn’t have the time or anything. I’m on disability and make out better than a lot of other people on disability, and my car is almost paid off, so after Christmas, starting in January, I am starting to buy things for the road; like a solar bank and panels, wifi flagpole, and all the other stuff that goes along with it. 

                   First, Carol wanted a small, like 18 feet, RV, then she wanted a van that we could remodel and live in, and the newest and cheapest idea, is that she just wants to tent. Her SUV payment is HUGE and that would come out of my monthly check. Fuckin A! That’s a lot of money, not to mention the car insurance too. She would sell her house and we’d have about fifty grand profit from that on her end. An idea I had that brought me joy, contentment, and a goal of setting mom’s ashes free in each state, has turned into stress, and all the bickering and bitching we do, the way she has to control everything (Typical Virgo shit.), And everything has to be her way, about 90% of the time. Thinking about all of that kind of stuff makes me stressed, depressed, and with thoughts that my trip will be ruined and not fun, soul searching, mentally growing, relaxing, etc. 

                  Carol and I are exes and just each other’s friend and family like. We were together as a couple for 14 years and we never had not one fuckin thing in common, not one. I love 70’s mellow music (Like, Please Come to Boston, kind of stuff, all 80’s music, a bunch of stuff from the 90’s, and old slow jams and smooth jazz. She likes NPR, that’s it. I like stopping the car and taking a picture of what I think is a cool shot. She bitches and moans that I ask her to stop so I can take a picture and eventually says, No, I’m not stopping every mile so you can take a damn picture. I love antique shops, gift shops, and yard sales. She hates them and has no interest in any of it whatsoever. I like learning and studying my herbal stuff, herbal remedies, herbs for better health, and foraging. She has no interest in that at all and calls it witchery. I like my art stuff and playing the guitar, she likes sports or those stupid reality shows of rich women who bitch at each other the entire show. I like to journal, both in my leather journals and online. All she wants to do on this trip, like things that would make her happy, is go fly fishing, and watch TV and play on her tablet, that’s it, the whole entire trip is THAT for her. 

              This past week I’ve been thinking of just going alone, just me and my Yorkie. It would be way cheaper, less stressful, and more fun. I like being alone. The dreamy part of me thinks those thoughts, then the grown up brain kicks in and things of reality issues. I get sort of nervous driving sometimes. I’m not worried about getting lost because I plan on staying on all the blue highways as possible and not use the highways if possible. To me, you see more, and meet people, and find cute out of the way things to do or shop at or eat at. A GPS, and the cool app on my phone and tablet make me less afraid of getting lost. I worry about putting up a tent alone and getting frustrated and flipping out because the fuckin tent won’t do what I want to do. I want a decent size tent, one big room with a connected screen house. I worry about the times I will be lonely, or depressed. I’m bipolar, and mostly lean to the middle and depressed side. What if I get all depressed? I’ve learned all the coping tools and techniques over the years to deal with it, but it’s still a thought. I would NEVER kill myself and leave my dog alone, EVER. I love my Yorkie more than life itself and I would die trying to save her. That dog loves me, adores me actually, it’s so cute. I would never kill myself on the road in a depression and abandon my dog. And I’m worried about safety. I don’t want a gun, for obvious reasons. I just want an axe, a machete, my good luck ass hunting knife, a REAL slingshot, a crossbow, and pepper spray. (Actually hornet spray works better.) …………………… I have to pee really hard and shower before Carol’s client gets home from day camp, or whatever you call it. So I’m gonna finish later.

                    

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