No doubt in my mind where you belong

Today was the day I decided that I would send out a final vibe and message to you. It being Christmas and all, I wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and hoping you were having a lovely Christmas with family and that you deserve the best 2017. I promised myself that the message would be a ‘wipe my hands free’ message and it was time for me to go along. I was not to get mad or sad if you chose not to reply. It was simply a letting go initiative. And when I sent the message, it truly felt like that. I did not regret it. I felt some weight kind of lifted and I felt a bit more free to let whatever be, be. But as the day slowly passed by, you popped into my mind here and there. Not in a bad way. I was happy about what this year did for me in relation to you. I knew nothing was awkward or bad between us. It was just like before but I finally got that chance to be with you. Like 18 year old me finally got. Though I had moments of doubt like I had been a bit much for you and didn’t allow you to have space, but now I am telling myself that all of that was just in my head. We are friends. We are fine. 

However, one way or another I found myself looking on your Facebook…even though I told myself not to because I need to keep going forward. But I tried to justify myself that this would be the last. I noticed you had been tagged with your ex. And I noticed that you are potentially living together again. Am I assuming this and jumping the gun on this? Its possible, but I need to accept this as fact to help me keep going with wiping my hands clean of how I feel about you. I’m not mad. And I am not sad. It is your life, and you can do what you want. Am I surprised? A little. Do I believe that this is what you wanted? No. But I can’t tell right now if I am just telling myself this. I remember the things you told me. It sounded like you needed to learn to be alone, that she always kept drawing you back. So maybe you can’t be alone and needed your security blanket back. Thats okay, if thats what you feel you need right now – who am I to tell you what you need? Ive never thought about how you should live your life. You had me wondering if some of the things you said about me are true. You told me that you consider me a close friend and always want me in your life. I don’t take you as the type to just say things like that, so I will tell myself to believe it. It makes me feel good about myself and how I feel about us. But honestly, it did make me feel stupid for sending you that message earlier. Had I known, I probably wouldn’t have sent you a message. I remember you also saying that even though as the years went on and you had your girlfriend, I always had the opportunity to talk to you. So I tried to use that as a reason to convince myself it was okay that I sent you that message.

I assumed you wouldn’t reply. And I pretty much convinced myself that it was okay if you didn’t reply. I wasn’t even sure if you received my message as it didn’t go through as iMessage, and instead sent through as a text. I was okay with not knowing for sure if you even received my message. As I was sitting in a head full of such thoughts, you messaged me. A tad ironic. But I was happy to see your message. It made me feel okay again. And now I feel as if I can go on knowing we are good.

I guess she will always win. She gets to do what I have never had a chance to do. This isn’t the first time this has happened. She did this to me when we were 18. You know, when these things happen, you can’t help but question what it is about yourself that makes them choose someone else over you. I can’t think of why. Maybe I shouldn’t know why. Maybe there isn’t a valid reason why? who knows? No doubt this question will often ponder in my thoughts just as you had sometimes crossed my mind every now and then since I was 18. You were considered the one who got away. 

But now its that time again where I leave us here. Just as I did 7 years ago. I would be lying if I said I want it all to end here. I don’t want us just to become a memory. I will always want more for us. I know that. A part of me is going to wish that maybe one day in the future you reach out to be again. You will always be welcomed back in. Who knows, maybe I will see you again in 7 years and we can pick up where we left. But until then, I truly do from the bottom of my heart wish nothing but the best for you – even if that means I don’t get to see or hear about it. You deserve so many good things and I hope your life finds a way for letting these things happen. I will continue to send good and loving thoughts your way and wonder if there is some unexplainable way that you can feel my warmth. I won’t forget how you make me feel and always remember that you are something different and you bring out something special and selfless in me. Deep down there will always be that part of me ready to do anything to know you are happy before my own happiness. And I guess that is true friendship – even though a huge part of me wondered about us being more than that. Thank you for showing me what it is to feel like that. I am forever grateful for that lesson. Now it is time for me to focus just on me and do what I need to do. So once again, our lives will go along different paths. But I hope you remember how to always find a path back to me if you ever need or want to open our door again. 

Until then, please don’t forget me.

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