Idle Notes

“God doesn’t hear me anymore…if he ever did.”

If he ever knew my name, by now it’s been stricken from the list. Because a story like mine can never be allowed to exist. Not really.

My prayers fall upon deaf ears..down a set of stairs…and right off the edge of the earth. 

You can’t catch them. Nobody ever will. My thoughts are ghost cats, sliding silently down the side of a mountain – once spoken, then lost forever. 

God doesn’t hear me because he never took the time. Just planted me amidst the religion crazed and belittling robots he produced and forgot I was there. When I was insulted, and pushed away; stepped on, beaten, broken. Made to feel worthless. 

Where were you? You and your fucking Footprints bullshit. If somebody I knew did such a shit job of “carrying me” when I was going through a difficult time I’d tell them not to bother. Because if that’s what support from you looks like, you can go to hell and stay there this time. 

Am I angry? Yes.

Why? Because I will never have a “normal” life. I won’t get married, or have children. I won’t start a family or drive kids to soccer practice or go on family vacations or visit relatives for the holidays. I don’t know how. And no matter which way you try and fit all these broken pieces of me back together, it’ll never work. Too many small pieces. Too many parts missing. 

No way to go back.

Well, good work, Dad. Another job well done. So tell me, where are my reasons for getting up in the morning? When the dust settles and you realize that there was only ever dust to begin with. 

Breathe in, breathe out. Pretend that everything’s fine – at least on the outside. 

One day you’ll see the blood that’s on your hands, not mine.

3 thoughts on “Idle Notes”

  1. I have read your entries and disagree with your current rantings. God does hear you and has probably spoken to you, you just weren’t listening. I say this as I have been where you are at. But, reaching that point, I stopped and looked back over the prior several years of my life and saw where God had spoken to me.
    The good news is that it is never to late. God does not keep score. What is in our heart speaks to God and God will answer in his own way. Remember, we are on God’s time not our time.

    God will often show us the way but it is up to us to take the action necessary to reach the result.

    Throwing a tantrum like an 8 year old will not get you the results you desire. Understanding what you want and taking the necessary steps to accomplish your goal is the only way to do it. God is not a meal ticket and threating God is not what you need to do. Realizing the part God plays in your life and living a godly life will produce the results you are looking for.

    When you are ready to accept God he will be there for you.

  2. I have read your entries and disagree with your current rantings. God does hear you and has probably spoken to you, you just weren’t listening. I say this as I have been where you are at. But, reaching that point, I stopped and looked back over the prior several years of my life and saw where God had spoken to me.
    The good news is that it is never to late. God does not keep score. What is in our heart speaks to God and God will answer in his own way. Remember, we are on God’s time not our time.

    God will often show us the way but it is up to us to take the action necessary to reach the result.

    Throwing a tantrum like an 8 year old will not get you the results you desire. Understanding what you want and taking the necessary steps to accomplish your goal is the only way to do it. God is not a meal ticket and threating God is not what you need to do. Realizing the part God plays in your life and living a godly life will produce the results you are looking for.

    When you are ready to accept God he will be there for you.

  3. Hmm. I am not exactly in agreement with Midnight writer. You vented your honest feelings. God can handle that. He gets a lot of criticism; He knows your pain and understands. God has not left you, nor will he ever. You apparently had a relationship at one time. God never closes the door on his children. Give him a chance. Let Him love you, because He does. Ask Him to show you His love is still there for you and real and alive and forever. God bless you.

Leave a Comment:

SCROLL TO TOP