My history as a sub has been largely just Role playing. Though I’ve always known I was diffrent in a way. Wanted to obey more than not, not likeing to make decisions, I still can’t prioritize worth the beans. So the RP gave me an acceptable outlet. Though I was often pushed beyond where I was confortable it was okay because I could end the rp or change it. Then I met my first RL BOYfriend and he thought he was a dom. All was fine for a bit then he started to force me into sex into serving him. He gaslighted, and abused me both mentally and sexually. He never really hit me but he often hit walls threw things and pulled me out of bed at odd hours to serve him even though I had to work and was the only one working as he refused to obtain or keep a job. He often woke me up late at night by forcefully fingering me or just plain getting on me and trying to remove my clothing. He weighted twice my weight but I still slammed him into a wall one night. He decided to leave shortly after that. Oh and he went to visit a “friend” and cheated on me with her. He also had many online girlfriends and gave me nothing emotionally. I got the brunt of his inability to control himself. He also forced me into anal sex, which hurt like hell. He humiliated and dehumanized me in public repeatedly. He loved calling me a slut or a stupid bitch or a stupid cunt. He is the main reason for my issues and triggers. I am working on them and on removing the power he still has over me 10 years later. It’s happening slowly but surely.
The second was better no abuse, But because of the first I couldn’t give him sex like he wanted. He didn’t push me but he had online a online girlfriend or girlfriends who got everything from him. I got nothing, and he was a slob he wouldn’t throw anything in an actual trash bag or can it went on the floor there was often trash ankle deep in the room. That I had to pick up and throw away. He also threw a suit case full of books at my head and screamed at me to shut up when I was questioning him and if he loved me so I guess there was abuse but it was limited to that one instance. Mostly he was just emotionally absent. Oh and he did grab my hand and squeeze it hard enough to that my fingers all locked into place and it was two hours and a lot of massaging before I could use my hand again.
2.5 Was amazing attraction, passion it was all there. But we didn’t work, I needed more than he was ready for. I don’t speak about him much but at least he was good to me. We broke up and he got worried when I didn’t show up at work for a while and he checked on me. He’s the one I miss the most and would like to see again just for a hello and to maybe be friends. As I’m sure he’s got himself a sweet girl who he adores and treats like the queen she is.
3OMG the biggest Man child but he didn’t abuse me. We got into fights but he never called me any names. He walked away first. I tried to hit him and he dodged blocked and hugged me. Without ever hurting me unlike the others. But he couldn’t obtain or keep a job. He refused to help around the house. He also had online girlfriends who quickly became more important than me and got all of his free time. Basically all I got from him was excuses. He wasn’t a half bad dom in the beginning but after my abuse I just couldn’t submit to him like he wanted. He found others had them. I tried to be okay with it but with me getting nothing from him I just couldn’t deal anymore. We broke up for many reasons but he being poly and unable to manage it well was the main one.
Which all leads me to where I currently am. As I was a submissive before the abuse but due to the abuse I’ve endured I’m actually very much afraid of my own submission. I have much to work out and many triggers to deal with.
Please find my triggers below and avoid them. They are never to be touched upon even lightly at this time.
1.Humiliation or Name calling in a negitive context. Like forcefully stripping me in public, calling me names, pointing and laughing at me. Calling me a slut, whore, cunt, bitch, even beast is pushing it.
2.Dehumanization Don’t call me an animal, don’t treat me like one or put me in a cage and leave me alone there. Don’t try to make me eat/drink out of a bowl or off the floor.
3. Forced sex of any kind. Continuing after I’ve requested it stop. Is a big no no if we didn’t negotiate it it shouldn’t happen. If I withdrawal my consent then it stops. Other wise it’s like being raped all over again. Often if I don’t tell you to stop you’re alright, when it doubt always pause for a second and ask me. I will answer you honestly and usually all is well I’ve healed quite a bit but I have much healing to go. The exception is anal sex it should never ever happen spontaneously, I need to know what to expect as anal is a big trigger for me.
Oral is also a huge trigger, do not attempt it. (Many have attempted to force it, Big no no)
This isn’t a trigger but anything involving more than one male makes me highly uncomfortable. I’m open to discussing it but unless you get a clear yes, I agree and consent do not attempt it.
I also do not like being bound or trapped, as that brings back the flashbacks of being pinned and raped. It’s best avoided at this time.