memories

Looking back a year ago I would of seen myself in a different place than I am now I would of thought I would be in my own place with a baby on the way celebrating my one year anniversary with my husband, but life had a different plan for me than I did. Today marks one year ago that I said “I DO” to the man I was in love with. Under normal circumstances   this would be a joyous occasion but my situation isn’t a normal one. Today may mark one year of being married, but 5 months ago the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with dropped the bomb on me that he wanted a divorce he was deployed and had been gone for 6 months and the whole time there were no signs of this coming. So when I got this news it hit me like a tone of bricks I felt my heart break my soul crushed the life and dreams I was planing with this man ripped right out of my grasp, as tears and sobs rushed out of me like a water fall. That feels like forever ago now but I still cant get the feeling or that date out of my head. I always thought that my one year anniversary wold be a good day celebrated in love and excitement for the many years to come, not sitting at home by myself wondering where I went wrong, what I could of done different, or if maybe there is just something wrong with me in general. the biggest thing is that I know he isn’t being affected the same way I am right now hell he probably forgot what today was which makes me believe that my hope that one day he will realize that he royally fucked up will never come true and I am coming to the realization that I am okay with that, even if it just means that he is really as much of a self centered dumb ass as everyone else says he is. I never thought I could be hurt, broken, and crushed the way I was the day I found out the real reason why I was told “I want a divorce” the whole spiel about “I married you for the wrong reasons and I want to make it right by everyone” was just a way for him to avoid or at least try to avoid getting caught with the fact that he was cheating on me with multiple women, and had “fallen in love” with one or so he thought. He confessed to one of his best friends the whole thing and said “I had to fight for her love” mean while he had me home waiting aching and unbeknownst to me vying for his love and not winning. Even when I think I have the man I still don’t and I know I am moving on and growing because as I come to this realization it doesn’t hurt like it used to and one day I wont even think about this so called man, and when that day comes it will be a sweet victory that I wont even realize has happened.

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