1.17.2017

it seems that i cannot stay away.

it’s midnight now. why do i feel heartbroken when i never had a heart to begin with? i’ve never even dated anyone; why am i listening to breakup music and crying and writing because i can’t sleep?

i used to keep a journal, a physical thing to draw/paint my thoughts and it was good but my journal is full now and besides, my parents took away my good watercolours. so now i’m bottling it up mostly. but it was good, i think.

i feel so empty. i’m cold and my chest feels hollow. i don’t know why i’m like this.

why was i born as me, when i could have been anyone else? any one of them would have i been so much better than me, a shell of a person, hardly there, hardly functioning. i know everyone had their problems and no one is perfect but it’s not even that i’m not perfect, i can’t even reach the bare minimum. i’m failing. i’m going to be held back. i shower about once a week. i can’t even talk half the time. i am not only imperfect, i am a failure. completely and utterly.

i wish i were like chuck bass. i wish i could use human contact as self harm; sleep around to cope. i wish i were cold hearted, i wish i didn’t care. i wish someone loved me.

i don’t know what to do.

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