Exposition

It all started with this reading for this morning. I can’t even remember the reading I did previous. It’s terrible, really, that I can’t remember what I read 3 hours ago. But this one stuck with me and I feel the need to speak about it here. 

https://medium.com/@benjaminhardy/if-youre-too-busy-for-these-5-things-your-life-is-more-off-course-than-you-think-e8854ddfcce4#.9ix3ac95d

If you’re too busy for these 5 things, your life is more off course than you think…. 

Well, let’s dive in, shall we? 

  1. How do you organize your life according to the following:
    1. Environmental Energy
      1. Do you keep stuff (like clothes) you no longer use?

        1. Well, moving to South America for a year with only a suitcase to my name really put things into perspective for me. I don’t really need all that much, and I can MacGuyver an outfit together based on what I have based on whatever occasion I have to attend. I can get around without a car. I am an independent person who can take care of themselves and stay out of trouble. I do have some common sense and street smarts, but also know when to take a calculated risk. I still have some clothes I hope to wear again some day, but I really have to take a look at what I don’t need and get rid of it. Make an inventory and see what can be disregarded. 
      2.  

        If you have a car, is it clean or just another place to keep your clutter and garbage?

        1. It’s so not clean. It needs to be emptied out of all the crap it has accumulated and stuff stored in its proper place instead of being left there for some future situation that is likely to never happen. 
      3.  

        Does your environment facilitate the emotions you consistently want to experience? 

        1. Not really, no. 
      4.  

        Does your environment drain or improve your energy?

        1. It’s maniacal, unreasonable, disorganized, and chaotic. I’ve been searching for a direction but am unable to directly find one with the flashing neon sign I was hoping to find. There is no neon sign. There is no GPS that will guide me henceforth. I must locate my way through the stars alone. And all that directionlessness has led me to become exhausted and drained of any passion, soul, or guidance I could give. 
    2.   Financial Energy
      1. Do you have unnecessary debt?

         

        1. As of right now, no. But that’s only due to my falling upon the right circumstances. 
      2. Do you know how many dollars you spend each month?

         

        1. I have a general number, yes. And I am not pleased about it. I waste a lot of money on food and drink. I might have a slight alcohol problem, and I don’t want to be like this, and I’m really trying to get myself away from it all until I can stop chasing the good time pony in search of a spurt of happiness that I know will never come again. I’m like a heroin addict when it comes to that. I’m looking for memorable times with friends where I laugh so hard I forget how much life sucks. I guess that’s the reason why I spend so much. Because life can suck, especially with all the mental bullshit I’m going through…. I find it hard to be happy. 
      3. Do you know how many dollars you make each month?

         

        1. Yes. 
      4. Are you making as much money as you’d like to be?

         

        1. No. 
      5. What’s holding you back from creating more value in other people’s lives?

        1. My lack of direction. My lack of knowledge of what I can possibly do for the public good. Lack of ideas. Lack of drive. Misdirected energy. I’m really trying to move mountains in my brain to create new channels… and it’s not easy. 
    3.   Relational Energy (ooooh mama) 
      1. Are your relationships the most meaningful and enjoyable part of your life?

         

        1.  They have their good times and bad times. But I’m trying to not be so much people-centered in my life anymore. I realize that a lot of my energy has been diverted to maintaining relationships that really mean nothing in hopes of a future payoff that’s never going to happen. I haven’t been aligning myself with the right people. 
      2. Do you spend enough time nurturing the relationships that really matter?

         

        1. I have neglected some of my friends as of late because of the new relationship I’m in and trying to learn on that. I could spend more time with them all…. 
      3. Do you maintain toxic relationships that no longer serve you?

         

        1. Sigh. I’m sure there’s one or two that need to be purged. 
      4. Are you authentic and honest in your relationships?

        1. I always try to be, but… sometimes my previous past of pathological lying still sneaks in there. Often when I feel I don’t measure up or I feel like I’m in a corner. That’s when the lying starts again, and once I feel like that, there’s no stopping. 
    4.  Health 
      1. Do you eat with the end in mind?

        1. Do I think about poop when I eat? That’s kinda gross. 
      2.  

        Are you conscious of and in control of the foods you put in your body?

         

        1. Yes. Veggies, meats, and grains. Fruits when there’s money. Anything else is an accessory that I often can’t justify… besides booze. I almost always have the $$ and reason for booze. 
      3. Does the food you eat improve or worsen the other areas of your life?

         

        1. Asides from the alcohol, I would like to think that eating the way I do contributes to my overall health. I try to stay away from sugar as much as I can, but salt is my true enemy. 
      4. Does your body reflect your highest ideals?

         

        1. Not yet, but I’m working on it. Going to the gym twice a week, yoga once a week, and kung fu twice a week, I hope to achieve that soon enough. 
      5. Is your body as strong and fit as you want it to be?

         

        1. Not yet. 
      6. Are you healthier now than you were three months ago?

        1. Probably. I mean I’ve kept up these habits now for about 4-5 months…. 
    5.   Spiritual energy
      1. Do you have a sense of purpose in life?

         

        1. Why do you think I write so much? I’m trying to find out which way to go from here…. 
      2. Have you come to terms with life and death in a way you resonate with?

         

        1. I’m trying. 
      3. How much power do you have in designing your future?

        1. I have all the power in the world. I just need to accept the responsibility of it, which for some reason, I have a huge problem accepting.  (Remember everyone: we’re still only at Step 1)
    6.      How much of your time do you feel in complete control of?
      1. Is your time being wasted on things you don’t intrinsically enjoy?

         

        1. I guess you could say that. There’s a few things I do that I don’t enjoy. I do things because I have to. I can’t sit around and be a lardass until I die. What good would that do me? I’d rather actively do things than do nothing, even if it might be in the wrong direction. At least I tried. 
      2. Are the activities you spend your time doing moving you toward your ideal future?

         

        1. I wouldn’t be doing it otherwise. I go to the gym to hone my body. I go to yoga to hone my spirit. I go to kung fu to hone both my body and my mind. 
      3. Are you spending most of your time furthering your own agenda or someone else’s?

         

        1. Majority of my time is spent advancing others. I don’t have anything for myself because I don’t even know which way to go?
      4. What activities should you remove from your life?

         

        1. Social media that’s outside my job, TV, bars
      5. How much time do you waste each day?

         

        1. Lots. I need more focus. 
      6. What would your ideal day look like?

         

        1. Ideal day? Shit…. I’d likely get more pages of my story written, I’d start working more on my website to garner some $$ from fiction and nonfiction alike. I would get my political pieces done and up and submitted to various websites. I’d do more of the SEO and social media marketing for my friends’ businesses. I would likely proceed to disseminate more of the articles that the website I work for gets submitted to other outlets — if they weren’t so damn shitty all the time. “Oh these are good articles!” says my editor. Are you fucking nuts? What are you smoking? These are loaded with grammar errors, long-winded sentences, passive voice…. You think these are good? Dear god, not to sound haughty, but have you read my stuff? Dear Jesus, mine don’t have half the things your other writers do!…………………. I’d probably complain less as that’s a time waster too. 
      7. What activities could you outsource or automate that take up your time?

        1. It might be best to hire a developer to get my website up and going. I just don’t want to spend the money…. But gotta spend money to make money, right? It’s not like I don’t have the time to learn it all: I just don’t have the patience right now. I need it up and running, like now. Like now now. 

This is just step 1. I’ve obsessively spent about 2 hours on it when I should be reading about marketing and shit like that, but still haven’t done it. Not like it’s not an interesting concept, but this called to me more. I’ll get to that important shit when I get to it. It’s part of my job, but whether it gets posted right now or 30 minutes from now, who TF cares. I need to organize my life and figure out what the hell I’m doing. I only have another 11 months until my 30th bday, and I really gotta make this count. First thing’s first. 
-Clean my car. 
-Find out what I can cut back on. And eliminate it. (This means everything from any relationships that are causing more havoc than they’re worth, extra expenses that don’t need to happen, purge time wasters (i.e. personal social media, TV), anxious habits, anxious thought patterns, and any other habits that don’t serve me for the greater future). –> Well shit. This is gonna be a lot of work.  

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