I want to be pretty. I want to be adored. I want to be loved. Part of me believes that when I am skinny, I will have all these things. For my greatest craving is to be desired, loved, cared about, beautiful. For when I feel my hunger, this emptiness inside of me, I feel these things working. Not only, is it making me closer to the things I crave for, it helps push back the relapse. The voice inside my head that says if you cut, just one cut, you will feel better. I mean its worked before hasn’t it? I don’t know why I stop cutting. I guess society tells me I won’t be pretty, that something is wrong with me, if I do it. But I want to do it more than anything in the world. The only thing stopping me is buying a blade and finding a spot that no one will see. But until then, I will starve until I am thin. I will starve so when I go Korea, I will not be the biggest one there, so I will be beautiful. I want a relationship, but they scare me. I tell myself I am not ready, but I know when I enter one, they will ask where my scars are from, why I am loosing weight quickly, why I am aggressive and hostile some days, why I am suddenly not as energetic or happy anymore and I will have to explain it to them. My scars are from when life was to much, I was to be beautiful, when the stress gets to much and I emotionally don’t know how to react that way. And finally, when pretending gets to be to much. I tell people I don’t want kids, but in fact I do. I want them, but I could not live with myself if I had a child who felt the things I do. Knowing that I could not help them. I am in a fight with my friends. I am irritated with them. I am irritated with Li because he put Kevin in front of me. He cares more about them, then me. And you know he isn’t even fighting for out friendship anymore. If he isn’t going to fight for it then it must not mean much to him right. I wish I could explain this to people but they dont understand for the never never never never understand they never get why i am angry why i am hurting they make it seem like its my fault like its always my fault and its not its not its not its not its not its not always my fault. its not. I am not irritated with Marcus but I am distancing myself from him because hes leaving for some leadership thing soon and he wont be here for a while. Hes leaving. I dont want to get close to someone leaving. I am not really close to anyone else in the friend group. I think Kim doesnt like me anymore. I feel like I annoy her. She doesnt talk to me anymore and i dnt know what i did. Im trying, I message her everyday. Multiple times a day likes she next to me. How else do you keep someone close? Why does no one like me? Why am i so unlikable? I feel like now is the time where no one can know anything is wrong tho. My job, my future job, Japan. They can’t know because then they will not accept me. But part of me wants someone to ask why was i in the hospital? Why do you have those scars? Are you really okay? That tells me they care even if I deny it. But no one cares

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