Journal Entry No. 1

Dear J,

Well, here we are at the start of this adventure. I’m not sure how much I’ll write, or how often. I tend to be forgetful like that…

But once again, I find myself wanting to write down my thoughts and feelings, because once again, I find myself in a situation that I feel could’ve been avoided if I’d kept track of my past, and therefore had some sort of data to refer to when things got challenging.

To dot point the issues thus far:

  • I haven’t felt like “myself” in over a year. What I previously thought was my own character development (yay!) turns out to have been a “faking it” (not yay!) to please others. The general consensus between my close council is that I should care less what others think about me, and just be me. Which I still have reservations about considering typical “me” is relatively bitchy and inconsiderate… Regardless, it seems everyone else thinks that’s better than me being a doormat, as I currently am.
  • My Grandpa just passed away. Which is a relief because now he is at peace, his suffering was brief, and generally speaking, things went pretty smoothly. Now however, and only two days later, already the old family rifts about inheritance are popping up again, especially since Nana is about to re-do her will. I feel like I’m at a conference meeting where everyone is trying to pitch their ideas, and may the best person win! As always, it’s frustrating to watch, but there isn’t anything I can do about it, nor am I honestly surprised by the behaviour of my family members. Disappointed certainly, but not surprised.
  • MOVING HOUSE IN TWO DAYS. Seriously, the timing couldn’t be more horrendous. But there we go. I get to move to the country, into a very nice white (it will be once it’s painted!), weatherboard (more like “weathered-board” ha-ha-he-he), home facing the foothills and mountains beyond. Goodbye city! Hello fresh air, the far horizon line, and trees! M&M won’t be joining me for about a month, so I’ll have the house to myself for a bit, in all it’s severely-requiring-renovations-like-a-bloody-hot-water-service glory. Huzzah for very quick, and very cold showers. Oh the joy. 
  • My tertiary study. Sigh. So I’m waiting to hear back about when I will officially receive my Diploma for Film studies. But in the mean time, I still have my assignments to complete for the Equine Massage course. That stress aside, I also received a phone call the other day chasing up payments. Apparently they’d been trying to get in contact with me for months. I have not changed numbers or emails, and they didn’t mail me anything (I asked), and yet, I did not receive a single bloody thing. Naturally the first I hear of it was the ONE phone call I received (and missed) for which a voicemail was left, saying that if I didn’t get in contact with them soon, they would send the information on to the debt collectors. Not happy. So I’ve called them and organised weekly repayments. But…
  • I HAVE NO JOB. I left my other job obviously because, I’m moving house to the other side of the state. There is plenty of work out there for me, but it’s going to be a close call in terms of earning income/outgoing payments. 
  • Meanwhile I’m trying to make plans for this year regarding my pursuit of my artwork (hopefully this time since I’m not doing it for someone else, I’ll actually enjoy it more), and I really ought to get back into my music playing, and sports.
  • Oh yes, and I’m calling it off with the guy I’ve been seeing. I can’t handle it right now, he requires too much maintenance, and our disagreements end up going in circles. It’s very frustrating.

As it stands, that’s my life right now. I’ve got a lot to do, a few deadlines to meet that will be close calls, and my mental health to get back on track.

Thank you for listening.

S.S. xx

2 thoughts on “Journal Entry No. 1”

  1. Samantha, the house in the country sounds wonderful!! I understand it needs work, but oh, what a setting! BTW WELCOME to Goodnight Journal! So this is your first entry! That’s exciting. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

  2. Oh yeah, my grandfather passed away too… It so freaking sad. He was here one moment, gone the next. In his deathbed at the hospital though, I knew he wouldn’t be able to make it back out even though the doctors kept pumping medicine into him and telling him everything was gonna be fine. He was already 80+ years old and very sick.

    I can’t even imagine death. But it happens to all of us.

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