Damn you for looking so good at a funeral.

I sincerely hope that everyday I post, it’s not about you.

How could the one time I see you after years of being apart be at a funeral? A place where we were in mourning of the same being, in supporting of the same family, in hiding of each other. The church was packed, people far and wide gathered. I expected to see many faces I hadn’t seen in a long time – but I never once thought I’d see you.

I don’t even know why it bothers me so much… Maybe it’s because I was in a vulnerable state and that was the last state I wanted to be in when I saw you again. Years after you broke my heart, walked away and never looked back. I never saw you coming. Talking to a friend and all of a sudden you walk up. The worst part was, you never said a word to me. You said hi to my friend and her family, made small talk. Saw me out of the corner of your eye and quickly looked away. Was I invisible to you? Was it as hard for you to see me as it was for you? Or was it just THAT easy?

I remember getting a text from you after the funeral was over and everyone had gone their separate ways. You said you hadn’t known what to say to me. That I looked good. Yeah, like that was true. Maybe the most true thing you said to me was something along the lines of “I couldn’t talk to you, look at you, be near you… without it ruining everything you still are in my mind. After all this time, you’ve still been the girl I fell in love with. The same laugh, same smile, same everything. After years, I didn’t want those images of you to be replaced.”

Maybe that’s my problem. I have those images of you in my head and they sneak up on me every once in awhile. The curl up your lip when you smirked at me. How small your eyes got when you smiled at me. The way your eyes told me exactly how you felt when you looked into my eyes. Your uncontrollable laugh that always made me smile. The way you smelt when you laid your head on my chest. Instead of you driving away from me in a Burger King parking lot. Hanging up on me countless times when I called you having a panic attack. The way you closed your door on me when I came back to you after you ended it – the moment I knew it was really over.

I had no idea that you’d haunt me like this.

Today, I heard of a wife finding out her husband had died – how she screamed out in pain upon hearing the news. Bless that woman and her sweet children – I cannot imagine anything like it. Somehow though, it made me think of the funeral I saw you at. The only time I’ve seen you since we broke up.

Damn you for looking so good at a funeral.

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