I’ve been on dating sites off and on from time to time when I wasn’t in a relationship. They honestly have done little for me. There have been horror stories aplenty though. Now, let me set the stage a little. I’m at a point and have been in my life where I don’t need someone in my life. I want someone in my life. There’s a big difference between the two. Needers must have someone no matter what in their life. Wanters don’t. I’m at a point and have been where I’ve lived alone (even with someone) that I can handle business alone. I just don’t see a point in doing much without someone to share it with. Having gone out with my son in law and daughter, I’ve been left feeling like a third wheel and a burden to them even though my daughter would say otherwise. Right now, The Lion (LTR #5), has met someone from a dating site and is the honeymoon phase of it where everything is coming up roses. I wish him the best, hope he doesn’t rush things, goes slow, and that it all works out for him. Yes, I’d give my right arm and left leg to have him back, but logically will never happen. Now, that’s one person. Out of the many others that have used these sites that I know of, just doesn’t happen. So, I thought I would take my most recent journeys through them to illustrate how it’s life from my perspective of things. I’m sure both men and women have run into these things. Just remember this is my perspective and what’s happened for me. In the end, I just don’t bother with them anymore. A further bit of perspective; I live in a rural part of the state that I’m in. There aren’t many places to meet someone. It was suggested that I try church. Great idea. Problem with that is that I’m spiritual and have no draw to the Judeo religions (Christian, Catholic, etc.) whatsoever. It’s great for people who are into them. It does nothing for me. So, going to church is a little pointless to me. When I say small town, it’s one of those blink and you’re through it kind of things. The nearest bigger town is about a near hour drive in any direction away. Not worth the gas to go out for a “night on the town” kind of thing. With that in mind, I turned to dating sites as a way to expand things. These are their stories…
M.C was one that I had turned to. The commercials are all over the television about how great they are that they even guarantee it. Do a little digging and that’s where the dark comes out. All right. So, before I had been digging I reactivated my account there. To my shock the Lion was there as well. Of course, he flipped out and thought I was stalking him (on a dating website no less, not that there aren’t hundreds of them) instead of the rational reason that I too, might just happen to be looking for someone. So, after that I started getting all these looks, winks, and so forth. Now you can’t see them if you don’t pay. The first thing that I did notice was that most of those were from men outside the age range that I was looking for. I had set it to 30-45 but had 50 year olds looking and being “interested”. The other problem was over half of those were fake. Trying to find them in a search revealed the truth. Most hadn’t been on in forever or didn’t exist anymore. I did get some messages and I was horrified by most of them. There was one that was supposedly single but was married. Automatic no. There was another that wanted me to be his “sugar baby” and put out for him whenever he wanted and not tell/talk to his wife. Another automatic no. Another that was outside of what I was looking for that told me that I should open up more, meaning my mouth. He had a penis that could help with that. Just on and on. I didn’t even bother with paying their egregious fees to learn any more. It was thought that because it was a ‘pay’ site that things would be different. That would be a no from me. 90% of them don’t read your profile. They just look at the pictures and go from there. One did and was rather snide about it, not to mention another one that was outside my age range. Almost anything from M.C was just about sex. Nothing more.
So, about this time I tried an app on my phone. Tin…. You get the idea. Anyway, so I’m swiping away and there were a few that I matched up with. The first one started up with being in love with me by the first few conversations (US Army stationed abroad and had no idea that I’m an Army brat). Now I was skeptical. I’m already a bit jaded and I don’t tend to open up much but you’ll find a theme here making me worse as time goes on. Within a few days I was being asked to send an iTunes card. Again, that would be a no from me. Unmatched and gone. Seems that just about every single guy on there have the same story with the same results. And I end up just unmatching and going about my day. The last one I finally had it out with. The conversation went something like this. Me: I’m just tired of all these guys asking me for iTunes cards that barely know me. Idiot Scammer: Well they probably need them for Netflix and music. Me: That’s their problem. I don’t see why I should have to send someone I don’t know anything. IS: So you wouldn’t help me because you don’t know me? Hahahah Me: No, I wouldn’t. I don’t have any reason to help someone that I’m not with nor responsible for in any way. I’m not about to go without eating one day just so that some guy has a movie or some tunes. They’re called priorities. Maybe you should learn them. That was the last time I bothered with that one.
PoF, that was a joke as well. I gave it a shot in the past and had only one date that went nowhere after that. This time around I had a few messages, but the first one I had gotten was what got me. The guy didn’t even know me, was way younger than me, and offering to come to my house and supposedly help me unpack. I hadn’t been living here long and still hadn’t unpacked fully at that time. Then he said he wanted to just “cuddle” with me. Doesn’t know me from the next woman but all this. It didn’t get any better. I think I talked to one guy and just chatted with him. He’s a truck driver and I was just company. Haven’t heard from him much, but nice enough guy that I would consider a friend in time.
- That was a SEVERE waste of time. I attempted it. I expected more because like M.C they were supposedly respectable. I was wrong once more. Most of what they thought was a good match for me had like one random thing in common with me, lived hours away, and not even in my age range. M.C and EH had their fair share of Scammers as well. They’re like herpes. Just when you think you’re rid of them, another one pops up. Again, with EH wait for a “free weekend” or pay egregious fees for much the same. Didn’t do it. I was getting frustrated and annoyed.
So, this is where I began digging into things. I started looking at what was posted about these places on other rating sites. What I found shocked me. On Consumer Affairs’ website, I opened my eyes. OKC had only 14 complaints. Tin had 49. PoF had 50 some odd. M.C had well over 2200 complaints. Probably more now. I actually read through most of them to the beginning of the year and into November of last year before I gave up the ghost. Nothing on there was complimentary in the least. Stolen money, scammers, pretty much everything I had gone through but I was really glad I hadn’t given them money. After reading a bit more about OKC I figured I would give it a try. That has been dryer than the Sahara. I’ve gotten a few messages but nothing that would go anywhere. A few messages then they disappear. I’ve given up the ghost as far as dating websites go. A friend said it was just men online and that it’s the sites that’s the problem. Well that isn’t fully true. Most guys are the same offline as well. They are pretty adept at hiding it.
Now a little about me. I’m extremely guarded when it comes to dating sites. I don’t give out my number. I don’t jump right off the site to another chat program. I did give out my number once. Guy seemed okay. He started wanting pictures. I sent one and he threw a fit because I had clothes on. Yeah. Okay. Done with him. Another was quite pushy when I let him have my Skype demanding that I talk verbally to him even though I had told him I was busy with another chat at the moment. He didn’t like that. He tolerated it. Then he got pushy about wanting a picture. I actually felt pressured into it. Sent one and because I felt like that blocked and deleted him from Skype. Especially when he kept going on about how great a guy he is and that he felt we were a good match. Uh. No.
After all this I just don’t bother any more. I’m becoming content with being alone and that it’s likely to be for life. Some would say that I’m too picky. No, I was just raised differently I guess. I was raised that you don’t date multiple men because it makes you look loose or easy. Strange concept these days. Most of the guys that I have encountered didn’t have patience which to me is something that is necessary. Others that weren’t bad per se were trying for the “instant relationship” which to me is not going to happen. I want a spark, a connection, something tentatively in common with each other, something. Someone that realizes that love happens over time and it isn’t something that turns on and off like a light switch. Conversation. Get to know each other not just jump into things. This was how I was raised and I guess I’m a dying breed, but this is what I stand by. If someone can’t respect these things, then they don’t respect me. I let the Ogre (LTR #1 and ex-husband) isolate me from everyone I knew unless they were useful to him. The Dragon (LTR #3) was angry at the world and himself, so he drove everyone off including my few friends with how he was. The Hermit (LTR #4) also didn’t like being around my friends or those that I knew so it became a choice of him or them. Then there was the Lion. At the start of things, he wanted me to remove male friends from my life because they were a threat to him. (After the breakup he swore that wasn’t the case even though I still have all the messages and emails from him to the contrary.) I had to drop quite a few friends to make him happy. He started slow in isolating me only to accuse me later of isolating him. Even before the Lion I had been alone and I had been fine with it. I will never say that I will ever be happy with myself, but I had settled. That’s the best I could hope for. Go to work, come home, play some mindless games, watch some tv, and go about my life. Pretty much what I do now. The difference? Now my friends tell me that I have problems and that I’m wrong. Why? Because I’m not just going out and see no reason to. I go to work. That’s enough for me. To me, it’s boring to go places alone. I just have no desire to go out alone when I can do just as much at home. I don’t have to deal with the ‘Ray Dons’ of the world. I don’t have to deal with the drunk, smelly, nearly vomiting males that inhabit the bars. There’s no coffee shops so I have coffee at home. I rarely talk to friends because honestly I haven’t figured that one out. Well, there’s the whole I have to contact them all the time. I got tired of that. I’m not hard to reach so they know how.
Dating sites work for some but the reality of that is actually a smaller percentage than they tell you. Most all of them are owned by the same company and all want your money in some fashion, even the free ones. Best advice if you’re thinking about one or like me gotten frustrated, do your homework. Dig. You can look anything up through Google or Yahoo. You may be a little surprised at what you find. I know I was. After the insulting, insinuating, annoying things that I’ve dealt with through them I’m better off where I’m at. It’s unlikely that I’ll meet Mr. Wonderful at this point. Hell, I made a jackass out of myself telling a guy I knew that I liked him. Only to get told that he was already talking to someone. This confused me a bit. He had started out with heavy flirting, then nothing. Then he talked to me every now and then. I’ll accept my friendzone with grace. He’s a good guy and I hated not having him as a friend. One day I’ll talk about him. Maybe not. Who knows? The best thing anyone can do is trust their gut. Look things up. Double and triple check. Most of the time online we can be whatever and whoever we want. The ones that don’t have patience or won’t respect your requests are the ones you don’t want anyway. If they can’t even respect you from the start of just meeting, then it’s highly likely that they won’t respect you a year down the road. I admit to being more guarded about things since the abuse I endured, but in some cases paranoia can keep you alive. I’d rather be miserable and alone than a statistic somewhere in a box. Just my point of view.