Here I Go Again…

So, hi. I know I’ve already written an entry about my weight issues…but my weight always seems to go up and down and changes frequently. Two years ago, I lost about 30 lbs…in a month and a half. I went on a hardcore crash diet plus I went to the gym every other night. When snow kept me from getting to the gym, I worked out with on-demand exercise videos. I was DEDICATED. My motivation was that I was going to meet my favorite person in the world, a singer I call “J” on here. Now, obviously I wanted to do it for myself too because I had gained back almost all of the 50 lbs I had lost a few years before. But meeting her was my main butt-kicker. I didn’t want her to meet the “Fat Kerri” I had become, I wanted her to meet someone closer to what I used to be. Keep in mind, she is NOT a shallow person at all, and I know it made no difference to her what I looked like. She loves people for their personality (as do I)…but I was the problem. I had a problem with her meeting me like that. So, I worked hard and kicked my own butt, and it worked. I wasn’t magically skinny, but I lost some weight and was on the path to feeling better about myself and just feeling better physically. So, in my last weight entry which I believe was this past summer, I talked about wanting to do it for myself this time. It was a great notion. It kinda almost worked for about a month. I started watching what I ate again, worked out here and there, and most of all I got my family on board to cut more than half of our sugar intake. I was gung-ho. But, it didn’t last long for my family. My mom is older and set in her ways (weighs haha). Also, she’s been skinny her entire life except for when she was pregnant. She doesn’t get it and never will. She HAS to have her sweet tea, Little Debbie cakes, etc.. So the “less sugar thing” didn’t last long for her. And of course with kids, if there’s sweets in the house, they’re gonna eat them…not the sugar-free bland crap. I tried my best to stick to the no sugar thing on my own…but it didn’t happen. Yes, I will take most of the blame for that, but it’s so hard when the rest of your family isn’t on board too. I had lost a few pounds at that point and was feeling a teeny bit better about myself…and then THE HOLIDAYS hit. Now back in July, I had gained back about 10-15 of the 30 lbs back….but now it’s March and I have gained it all but 3 lbs back. ::::::insert sad face emoji::::: With the holidays and winter, I just gave up. So here I sit again, looking at myself in the mirror and gagging. I can’t stand to see a photo or video of myself (Unless it’s at a selfie angle). I know my friends just think I’m being a drama queen when I say “NO, I don’t want to be in a full body shot”…but it actually causes severe anxiety in me. Then, when I see the photo, I am immediately depressed and overcome with doom and gloom. I know some people think I have a sort of body dysmorphia, but it’s actually quite the opposite. When, I look into the mirror I’m not happy with what I see at all…but I can handle it…it’s not until I see a photo or video which looks SO MUCH WORSE that I tend to freak out. So, please RESPECT me when I ask to not be in the group photo. Until I feel comfortable with my body again…stick to selfies or leave me out! I would RATHER be left out of the photo than to feel what I do when I see photos of me. I also mentioned in my previous weight post that I had recently found out that my thyroid wasn’t working. Hypothyroidism. My doctor started me on some medicine which seemed to be working pretty well, until it wasn’t. So then he upped the dosage a little bit…and it still seems to not be helping. I know I can’t rely on just medicine, that I have to eat better and be more active…but I thought it would make it a little harder for me to put on more weight at the very least and it seems to be doing the opposite. Anyways, this week I vowed to do better again. I’m not doing a crash diet. I’m not doing a hard diet that will make me want to give up and makes me feel weak or dizzy. I’m simply making better choices. I’m doing better with my breakfast and lunch, but I’m not going to change a whole lot about my dinners except no second helpings. I’m also trying to watch my calorie intake in my drinks. I’ll be the first to admit that I love sugary drinks. I love sweet tea, milk, coffee, chocolate milk, soda, juices. I don’t drink near enough water so I’m drinking more of that. I will still drink milk, it’s delicious and HEY CALCIUM. But, I’m cutting down on the sodas and tea. I haven’t had but a half glass of tea in a few weeks. The absolute HARDEST thing for me to ever give up on diets is soda. Not just soda, but Dr. Pepper specifically. It’s my weak spot, my drug. Diet Dr. Pepper just does not do it for me, though I will be drinking it occasionally when I need a D.P. fix! I’ve been drinking a lot of the low-calorie Powerades and Gatorades too. Also, if I’m out to dinner with a friend, I’m going to enjoy myself and get what I want. But, I think the small changes and better decisions will help out, even if it’s baby steps and will be a longer route. I have a gym membership so I’m going to try to utilize it a couple times a week. I went once this week and the nights I haven’t been, I’ve done a workout at home with the kids. With Spring coming up and warmer weather just around the bend, I’ll definitely be more active and be outside doing more things! So, we’ll see. Hopefully I’ll see some results and most of all I hope that I STICK TO IT THIS TIME. I know that I’m the only one in control of this, but please cross your fingers for me! I know you’re probably thinking “Wow, she has really low self esteem”…well, when it comes to my weight, you’re right. I know I have a good personality and a passionate heart and that those are what matter in life. But, I also want to go through life feeling as confident on the outside as much as I do on the inside….  Thanks for listening…

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