The grass isn’t always greener, sometimes it’s astroturf

So, in the interests of science as it were, I compiled a list of things I’ve been doing “wrong” as far as seeking an eventual relationship. Once compiled I did what the best ones suggested and I will see what happens over 30 days. Not that I am going to check those sites very often. Why online? “You know that’s a wasteland and that everyone is fake,” this is what I’ve been told multiple times by certain friends. Well I live in a rural area and the nearest city is minimum an hour away in any direction. The situation where I live isn’t all that great. I haven’t seen anything when I’ve been out that I would consider. “Why don’t you just move then?” It’s illogical to move and to be honest it’s stressful and costly. Then there’s getting established all over again and the rest of the headaches. So, if you were told the same thing what would you answer?

Now if I went by what I saw on one fellow’s profile I’m completely and utterly undatable but not for the reasons you would think or those websites say. Here was what he called the strikes against me. I’m over 40. I work retail. I don’t go to bars. I’m not dressed in dresses and don’t have my makeup done every second of the day. (Basically a 50’s housewife.) I am less likely to put out than other women. I have male friends. This same fellow also says what a great, caring guy he is and he’s tired of uppity women that believe they are more than what they are. Go you. Good luck with that, let me know how it works out for you. Yes, I’m jaded and can be prickly with my logic but even I can’t go that far.

As I’ve said, I’ve had 5 long term relationships. Three of those lasted over a year. Two lasted to nine years. So, I tend to say that I have nine-year shelf life. Though after the Lion I’m considering backing that down to three-year shelf life. Those that know me will know them by their connotations. The Ogre (ex-husband), the Knight (rarely spoken of), the Dragon, the Hermit, and the Lion. That’s them in order. Now seeing that one would think that I’ve been far luckier than most because I’ve had them and dating advisers would tell me I should be grateful for each and every one of them. Well that’s a hairy thing depending on how you look at things. Then again most would say who the hell am I to be able to say anything about matters of the heart. That I’m far too logical (Spock like) in my outlook. I guess I should give some insight then.

Dating for me was immature and stupid. I did that foolish thing when I was a teenager and thankfully that awkward time of my life came when the internet was still only being used by the military. It hadn’t become the sensation and wasn’t even thought of. Heck, during that time Nintendo (the original) was still considered breakthrough technology. I can’t say how many times I thank my lucky stars for that. That no one had to see that part of my life. It was what I call my stupid phase. I did what could be called dating but it wasn’t like it is now. I never dated a multitude of guys all at once. If I was exclusively dating, then there wasn’t anyone else. I had a friend with benefits (before that was a big thing) for the times when I wasn’t with someone. I was all over the board with the guys I would date. From the headbanger to even some that would be considered nerdy now to a couple of guys that wouldn’t even be considered attractive at all by any standards. There was even the one that later in life came out of the closet even though when I was dating him I kind of just knew. There wasn’t much in the way of pictures. It was strange seeing how they turned out later down the line. Some ended up in and out or permanently in jail. Others went on and did well for themselves. Some went on to start families. Others started families and didn’t stick with it. Weird huh? During that time, I was raped. I’m not ashamed to speak about it. I was about 12 at the time. Nothing happened to the guy, legally from it I should say. It took me a month to work up the courage to even talk about it. This was the late 80’s so I was told the usual then. It was blame the victim mentality then. It would be later in life that I understood that what happened to me wasn’t my fault. Nor did I “ask for it” as my own mother had told me. It wasn’t a stranger, but someone I knew. Someone I had turned down several times. That did bother me and still does to this day. At that time, it wasn’t that I turned him down about sex, I had. I had turned down his advances as well. I didn’t find him attractive in the least and not long after it had happened I found that he had been “dating” one of my best friends. What I took from that was that there are no such things as boundaries. If someone could do something like that because I wouldn’t date him, I could only imagine what else could happen to me. It was also during these years that my mother was quite abusive to me. Physically, emotionally, the whole gambit. When I was 15 she was diagnosed as manic depressive. No shocker there. My grandfather had always told me that my mother was “sick” and that it was my responsibility to take care of her. Well her, her 15+ (number was always changing) cats, her nasty house, go to school, try to have a social life (I was forever embarrassed to bring someone to my house), and deal with everything else that a teenager goes through. No, I didn’t have the typical childhood.

When I met the Ogre, I was going through a bad time in my life. It wasn’t sunshine and rainbows when we started out. In fact, in the matter of 3 weeks we were off again and on again so much it was driving my friends crazy. We didn’t jump into sex even though when I met him that’s all I wanted. A one night stand and nothing more. It turned into a nine year one night stand. He was great for the first two years. I thought things were great. Then suddenly one day it all changed. He hit me for the first time. He threw me around like a rag doll. He would say that it wasn’t abuse because he never hit me with a closed fist. He was also sleeping around whenever he wanted. I wasn’t allowed friends. I wasn’t allowed to go out without him. If I did then I would get numerous pages or phone calls (when cell phones were coming out) all the same. Where was I? Who was I with? What was I doing? When would I be home? What’s that noise in the background? I must be sleeping around because he heard someone in the background and it was a guy (this is actually a true story. I had passed a guy in the grocery store talking to someone and I got that because of it.) I had moved out once and that was the scariest night of my life. He was out of control. He nearly attacked my mother’s husband. He was banging on all the windows and yelling at the top of his lungs. I was terrified. I would eventually move back with his promises of changing. He was arrested twice in the marriage for Domestic Battery. The second time after I had told him to leave because I couldn’t do it anymore. I finally couldn’t believe him anymore. Not to mention around this time a lot of his affairs had come forward to tell me they didn’t believe me that he beat me because he hadn’t touched them. Well they didn’t have to go to work with a black eye and try to explain it. They didn’t have to go to work in a sling and explain how they had a torn rotator cuff. I admit to having affairs as well. Yet they weren’t for sex. They were for the things that I wasn’t getting from the Ogre. There weren’t many and they usually ended quickly. Only one lasted for nearly a year but because honestly we both knew that I wouldn’t leave the Ogre, it wouldn’t last. That’s something for another day when I’m drunk enough.

After the Ogre, I had considered an old friend that I had helped during this time. I will admit that I rushed into that one. Yet it was an on for a while, off again, then back on again for a while kind of thing. My friends hated him and wouldn’t admit it until after we would break things off. They pretended to be supportive until the Dragon and I would work things out again only to fall apart again. After nine years and a lot of hurt, heartache, and some good times I finally drew the line and said this wasn’t working. Again, I grew up being taught that you didn’t toss something away because it didn’t work. You worked at it and tried to fix it. Though even the saints have their limits.

After the Dragon, I still lived with him since he had nowhere to go and I’m not the kind of person that can be that cold hearted. I lost my dad before this and slowly was getting my head together with that loss. Finally, we moved to what I hoped was a better life. I had chosen to give a longtime friend a chance. We had been friends since junior high and I thought that maybe since the friendship had been good that I would step outside my comfort zone and give him a chance. There were plenty of problems between the Hermit and I. It would end because someone had said something snide (The Dragon) and of course automatically the Hermit believed it as truth. He called me, called me everything but a child of God, broke it off, then didn’t talk to me for an entire year after.

I shrugged even though I was infuriated. It didn’t last long. I worked, I paid my bills. I went on with life. I knew that even being with someone I had been alone doing everything and I could do it. The thing was I didn’t want to. This is where I began to understand the difference between needing someone in my life versus wanting someone in my life. I don’t need to have someone in my life to take care of things. I don’t need to have someone in my life to take care of me. I’m quite capable of doing that on my own. I don’t buy things for myself if I don’t need them. I work. I make my own money. Everything I have I own. I take care of myself. I even have trouble asking for help because to me it’s demeaning and embarrassing. To me, I should be able to take care of myself and logically that’s a part of life. No one is going to handle my business but me. I admit that this also rolls over to my relationships. It infuriated the Lion to no end that I couldn’t simply ask him for help when I needed it. To me if I’m having a problem, then it’s mine to deal with. Through my life that’s how it’s always been and that hasn’t changed. So, I knew that I didn’t need someone in my life, but I was tired of being lonely and wanted someone in my life to share my life with. It would be about six months after The Hermit and I ended that The Lion made his intentions known. I will admit there was a lot in the beginning that I should have known better and gone with my gut and not gotten emotionally invested. I excused it all away. That’s again, another story for another day. When it ended, I was given 2 weeks that he enforced to move out of his house. I wasn’t making much money and to me it was improbable. He made a deal that later he regretted and would say it was out of the goodness of his heart. Because I agreed to this unreasonable deal, I am where I am today. That was back in October. It’s now the middle of March and I would still give everything I have to be back with him (he doesn’t understand it) I logically know that it will never happen. As I’ve said before, I wish him well though as a friend, I believe he’s rushing things with his new lady. That he seems to be out to prove something and that isn’t a good way to jump into things. That’s just me. Then again he falls under my definition of a ‘needer’. That’s something I’ll get into another time.

I’m at a point in my life that it would take someone to really WOW me before I would consider anything. I do have someone that I would consider in a NY second if he gave the chance, but again another story for another day. Basically, he’s out of my league. There’s a few reasons he wouldn’t consider me. One of those being that I believe I’ve been friendzoned and I accept that. I wish him the best with the lady that he’s “talking to” and hope she knows how lucky she is. I’m still his friend and respect that. Yeah, I know that’s unheard of in this day and age. I think that this is long enough, but it gives you a cross section of the path that I have traveled through the years. Just remember the things I post are my own thoughts, opinions, and ideals. They aren’t always right, but if they make one person stop and think that they aren’t alone in this big, blue sky world, then I’ve done more than most. I’m okay with that.

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