A little glimpse of the personal.

This one is going to be a little personal and where my thoughts are at right now. I’ve pulled away more and more from most people and I’ve even connected with a couple. Most though I don’t even talk to. Sometimes every now and then. Sometimes not at all. I have chosen to dye my hair red. Something different because I am tired of not being taken seriously ever because I’m a natural blonde. I have been through the years and never once was I taken seriously for it. It’s usually expected that I’ll be the stereotypical blonde. So many end up surprised to find that I have intelligence and even opinions. I’ve never forgotten the reaction differences from when I have dyed my hair black and when I’m blonde. When it was black I seemed to be taken a little more seriously. It seemed that more times than not my words seemed to have merit. As a blonde, it isn’t. I get looked at as though I wouldn’t know up or down. That I wouldn’t have an opinion on anything. Stupid really but it is those little things that you notice. I’ve always heard the blonde jokes. I’ve heard all the things attributed to blondes being bubble headed and dumb. I’ve had the looks when I would say something relatively intelligent only to be stared at like they were slapped. There’s a difference. I have dyed my hair black twice now and I still know the difference. This will be the first time that I went red. So, it should be interesting.

You’ll come to see that I view the world as a whole. I watch how people are. I actually have always enjoyed people watching as it’s called. It’s interesting what you can learn doing that. In the words of Spock, fascinating. It isn’t so much more than what they are doing that reflects things. Though I can admit that sometimes people utterly confuse me. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart, dating, and all that gobbledygook that goes with it. My views have changed through the years. Especially from the time when I was in my stupid phase. A lot of the time I was high or drunk trying to deal with my mother’s issues and trying to be myself. I wasn’t really. I hid behind weed and alcohol so that I seemed I had it all together but mostly it was keeping me grounded and upright around people. Especially men. Most of the time I was just as happy sitting in my room, listening to music, writing short stories or poetry, and being alone. I honestly say that when I’ve spent the vast majority of my life alone, that’s exactly what it was. I had very few friends when I was a child. I spent much of my time alone. I can count on one hand how many friends I had from say about 3 – 4 up until I began remaking myself when I was about 11 or so. I was a shy child and my mother made that worse every chance she could get. I was teased unmercifully at school. Especially by the “pretty girls”. Basically, the movie Heathers but much younger. If you’ve never seen the movie, I would suggest watching it. It’s kind of the opposite of The Breakfast Club, and I tend to think a little more honest. I don’t suggest attempting anything from that movie be put into life situations, but understand that it’s just a movie. It speaks and shows that even the lonely teenager tortured at school isn’t alone. My dad being in the Army didn’t help and we (mostly my mother and I) moved around a lot. Eventually that would take us to Florida and New Port Richey. That’s where I grew up. It took a long time to do but I was forced to grow up faster than anyone else. It took its toll on me, but it did teach me to survive. See that’s what I’ve done all my life. Some people that know my life talk about how strong I am and blah blah blah. It’s not strength. There’s no strength involved. They don’t know how many times in my head that I wanted to just die. Be done with the world. I haven’t since I was younger acted on it. I say it’s because I’m a coward. Now it’s just automatic survival. I’ve had people practically yell at me for thinking this way. Telling me I need to be strong and so forth. The truth is I’ve watched through the years people close to me die and I would sometimes wish I could trade myself for them. Friends, family, and close loved ones all succumb to death. The final straw was my father. I’ve been raped. I’ve been beaten and have my scars from it. After what happened with the Lion I was finally broken by the world. It was that last piece of me that just has given up. Why? Even the strongest come to a point where they can’t keep getting up and dusting themselves off. There comes a time when even the strongest knight can’t lift his/her sword any longer to fight. The body and the heart give out. The mind will keep going, but when the body and heart have no fight left there’s nothing that can change that. I’ve said that I could die tonight in my sleep and I’d be okay with that. I’ve lived a full life. I’ve traveled the country with family trips or just general traveling. I’ve seen everything I feel that I can. I’ve known love once and what it was like to love so deeply that every part of my soul still aches. I’ve known pain. I’ve known both life and death. I’ve birthed my children and I’ve watched them grow into the people I’m most proud of, even if they don’t believe it. I’ve said goodbye to dear loved ones. I’ve raged against the world and everything in it. I’ve defended friends with all that I had. I’ve fought for loved ones even when none of those had done it for me. There were some that did little things but in hindsight, it’s not much. I’ve had money and I’ve had nothing. I can describe what a cockroach sandwich tastes like because there wasn’t anything else to eat in the house. Even so many years ago, I still remember that. Intimately. I will say that I would rather starve than relive that. I can honestly say that I have had a full life and could honestly die tonight and not feel sad over it. I would and have told my children to not be sad over it either for this reason. The only regret that I’ve had is that it’s all been done alone. With the Lion, I had foolishly let him convince me of a future for us. Something that I began to get excited over but it was of course ripped away from me. When it was gone, I couldn’t picture anything for the future. I still have nothing. I’m back to where I was before the Lion was more than simply my friend. I see nothing more than working until I die. Nothing more. I have no desires for anything because I’ve done all this alone. I don’t want to continue and I know this. There’s that word ‘want’ if you will note. There will never be ‘need’. Needs are variances. Needs are air to breathe and enough food to keep going. Other than that, anything else is a want. Take a moment and think on it. We fool ourselves into thinking that we can’t live without the conveniences of our lives. Truth is we could. It would suck don’t get me wrong but it’s true.

Most people would think that all I am looking for is sex. This is false as well. That’s not it at all. In my years of isolation, I could always find sex. That’s easy. That’s not it at all. It’s that connection with another person. It’s the affection shared between two people. Be it simply laying together and watching stuff on television to sleeping together and sharing a single place. It’s those glances that speak volumes to each other without saying a word. It’s being able to stand there for hours sharing a kiss so deep that everything falls away. Sex isn’t the be all, end all to relationships. It’s the small things that matter. A line from one of my favorite movies sums it all up.

Little things used to mean so much to Shelly. I used to think they were kind of trivial… believe me, nothing is trivial.

Eric Draven

Nothing is when you truly love another person. I’ve had all this once with someone that I don’t talk about because I have chalked it up to the most wonderful dream that I had. That person has been back in my life and I still would like to explore that road once more but it’s another thing that I logically know will never happen. Of course, the few friends I have left try to be supportive and tell me don’t give up on it or him. That things are always changing. Yes, I suppose that’s true but even dreamers crash back to reality. It’s how the world works. I have two options but to be honest one I have no feeling for whatsoever in a romantic fashion at all. The other there’s a long, long road there of proving back and forth before it would or could even be considered. Then there’s me. I want what I want which is what was mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph. The things I’ve only had with 2 people in my life. The afore mentioned one that is rarely spoken of and the Lion. When you’ve had that it’s very hard to not want it again. What I have seen in the world since 2012, it’s rare to find. For those that have it, hold on to it. Once you have gotten beyond 40 what they’ve said is ultimately true. What wants you, you don’t. What you want, doesn’t want you. And then there’s the unicorns. I have 2 of them. I’ve stood with them twice in my life but I know that I never will again unless something radically changed which doesn’t happen to me. So, I’ll accept my world as it is. It’s been a lonely road for 41 years and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Old gods know I haven’t seen any signs of that. My life is on constant rinse and repeat. While I could wish my world would change, it’s unlikely. There is only 2 that could walk through my walls without resistance, the rest really have a lot to show me before I would even consider basically dousing myself in gasoline, setting myself on fire, and knowing full well that the clock has started once more on the shelf life.

And that’s where I am at in my life. Once more to having friends that I could count on one hand. Pretty much finding myself in my room, watching shows, occasionally listening to music, and writing once more. Full circle in a strange way. Yet now you’ve had a glimpse into the personal me. I promise it won’t happen often. If it does, you can chalk it up to me being nostalgic.

 

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