Pieces of my world

I’ve been asked multiple times what I want for the future. In time, I will have the means to do just about anything, but honestly nothing comes to mind. It’s funny only two things come to mind. Finish school and fix my teeth since I’ll have the means to. I’ve spoken before about having done everything that a person can do. Most people don’t understand that. They accuse me of seeking happiness through another person because I have nothing more than the thought of working until I finally pass away as plans for the future. It’s not true. When you’ve been to every spectrum of life that there is, there isn’t anything you can truly set as goals. When you’ve spent most your life alone and logically believe that to continue through the future, you have no reason to set sights on the future. I’ve never had any roots since each time that I have tried they are pulled up once more. Once more focusing on starting all over from scratch. Rinse and repeat. Some would tell me then look to putting roots somewhere. Truth is that I don’t feel a need. I’ve lost the simple thought that any such thing exists.

Yes, I’ve mentioned that I had started building what I thought was a future with the Lion. Yet, there had been future plans with the Ogre, the Dragon, and so forth. I’ve done what I feel is it all. I did it alone. So according to the “experts” and friends it’s deplorable to want to do things in the future with the thought of someone there with me as opposed to making future plans for myself when I’ve done enough alone. The Lion had wanted to live on some land with no one around, off the grid, not owing anyone a thing. It wasn’t something I was keen on, but eventually I gave in and planned with him. Even bought property for it. Now I’m stuck with the property because there were reasons that required it be in my name. He suddenly didn’t want it. Telling me instead to live out HIS dream. Not for me and he actually seemed insulted that I wouldn’t. I remember a conversation we had as he drove me here. I mentioned when he said somewhere was pretty that he should buy some land there. Live there. Him and his son. Live out his dream. He told me that he couldn’t ever move from where he lives. There was no way. Then he told me that I should do it. That I should buy land somewhere and just live out my days away from everyone. My response was rather simple. Why would I buy land somewhere or even a house for me and my cats that will eventually be taken away for foreclosure? He didn’t really have a response for that. It’s the truth though. Trying to support the bills for such with just myself and cats is rather foolish and illogical. He then suggested that I just travel. Why? I can easily point out that it’s dangerous for a woman to travel alone to anywhere in this day and age. Besides, where would I want to go that I haven’t been, especially alone. There’s a simple joy in sharing things with a person you’re with. So, to me it’s illogical to pretend that there’s something of value in making plans for a future that will never exist. My father married five times admittedly because he feared being alone. My mother died alone without anyone really caring. Certainly, there were those that showed up for her funeral, but the truth was she didn’t have many friends. She never really did. I’m somewhere in between them. I hate being alone but not enough that I’m going to make myself miserable with another person just so that I’m not. And I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be a turnout for my funeral either. Most would be too busy celebrating.

Day 3 of my experiment has resulted in much the same. Empty messages and some more “likes” as the word I’m choosing to use. One thing I had noted was even though I have said what I would like age wise is between 30 – 45 there were still 50 and 60 year olds looking at my profile. I have been with older men and what I learned about them was that they are controlling and will not bend from what they are wanting. They are rigid and most of the time trying to prove their virility to everyone else. Also, many seek someone that they feel are “trophy” women. The younger woman, usually considerably, because they are unwilling to accept women close to their own age. Usually some type of derogatory reasons why they would not remain in their own age range. I feel that I would have more in common with someone a few years older or generally younger (no more than 10 years) than I would someone who’s biggest accomplishment is speaking over dinner about how their golf game was and the gold digger girlfriend of one of their friends. Yet, what would I be viewed as? Logically, nothing in common at all. Yet that’s how these sites work. Some random one stupid thing you supposedly have in common and you’re thrown around to all these people. Oh, you both like having coffee, you’d be perfect for each other. Not really. The Lion and I had coffee together and liked it, doesn’t mean a hill of beans really.

With luck, I’ll be working tomorrow but that means fixing my sleep today. I’ve had a few bouts of insomnia of late. A little might do with having the hour drive home when I do work which makes things a little later each time. Still, working means that I’ll have something to do. Thankfully it goes fast for the most part. Working has ever been the one thing that I am good at. It’s the one thing I’ve ever seemed to get right outside of grades in school. Though they’re pretty much the same thing. It’s obvious that I’m not good with people though when I’m at work and have my work face on, I’m quite good with people. Once I’ve left I can be the person I normally am. Fake? Possibly. Though again, those little lies that seem necessary to life. I think we all do it in our jobs.

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