Stars shine, stars fade

 

 

I have been in constant battle with my trust issues for the past 18 years of my life. It all began when my dad decided to secretly make another family behind our backs. I never knew that the man I could trust the most was the first one who could break me. Ever since then, I don’t trust yet I still continue to love. I have always given a little extra through all my relationships but it all ended up pretty bad which makes my trust issues worst.
 
It’s been a week since I saw that exact chat. I never read it more than five times. The more i do the more it breaks me. 
 
I have a boyfriend. We’re one year and a few days now. I always thought he is lovely and adorable and perfect. Although a few arguments and mistakes put us in trouble, it never got to the point that I broke up with him. I always bend my chances with him over and over again. Thinking of that single hope that maybe just maybe he won’t be like anyone else.
 
I’ve had my days with him. More fun than pain. It started out long distance but he came to see me. After awhile he went back to his dad’s place and then went back here again. He came here for me twice. From all the relationships I’ve been with, his is the best. I can be whoever I want to be when I’m with him and he’s totally cool with that. It felt surreal and enchanted. I can never see myself with anyone else.
 
 
Until one day, March 19, 2017, I remembered a fake account who once chatted me on facebook. I used the username in the url and my boyfriend’s password (we exchanged passwords due to my trust issues). I got shocked when it went through. I was appalled. Staring at the phone for a solid five minutes, I was starting to shake. Whatever was inside there, it was his doing. You know how my trust issues worsened over time. It went alarmingly worst when it infiltrated. Right then and there, I was in. I scrolled in the newsfeed with posts from 15 of the account’s friends. He even added his ex back, which our rule was not to. I sighed and started to man up and check out the messages. There were four. One was a message to his real account to make it look like it is not his account. Second was a chat for his friend, also a mutual friend. That guy wasn’t a threat, he’s a guy and he’s both our friend. The third one was me. Before, when the account was new, he chatted asking me to be his friend. Im always wary and suspicious of fake accounts so I never really interacted that much. Lastly, was with a girl.
 
Just to tell y’all, that account was a year ago. Around May 2016. I managed to pull up the account just this year 2017. The last chat was from a girl who he thinks was a boy. I knew that girl long ago. She’s the girlfriend of my friend here in my place. Let’s call her R. Just like us, R and her girlfriend are having long distance relationship and yet to see each other. R was my boyfriend’s playmate in League of Legends. All his life he thought R is a boy. I told him around May that R wasn’t a guy and that shocked him for real he couldn’t stop talking about it for days. Days passed by and it gotten annoying. She makes him think she isn’t flirting with him but a girl would know. Next, rampage. It’s an esports event in their place. That event happened after we first met here in my place. After that few weeks of staying here, he had to go back to join that event. We had a huge fight. Later that morning, we’re okay but it really wasn’t. It seemed that my boyfriend called ‘him’ or R. He told one of his friends about. That she had a really cute voice and that she’s cute. I didn’t got angry. I just got… hurt… I told him not to go to the event due to her going to that event too. I have the tendency to get jealous so easily. He then messaged the same friend and plead to accompany R cause she was a girl and to take care of R as she wasnt from that place since my boyfriend couldn’t go with her. All a guy would do for his girlfriend. 
 
 
.
.
 
But she wasnt the girlfriend… I am… 
.
 
 
I was enraged. There was a huge fight again. I told him to block her and he did just to calm me down. I could see he’s sad that time but I shrugged it. A couple of months, December came and he stayed here in my place again. I checked his Garena account since the last time I checked it was a long time ago. I don’t know why but I constantly check on his accounts to reassure my insecurities. That nothing bad was going on. And that I wasn’t going to end up like mom. I saw that he was still playing with R there. (you can see in your recent games the people you played with) That shit really sting. I thought he wouldn’t but he did. We had a huge fight again all because of the same girl still. I gotta be honest, I’ve gotten real tired of it. He begged and cried.. I gave him another chance.. I just had to.. I love him..
 
 
Going back to this day, I was staring at their messages for so long. The first thing that came up and the first thing that I saw was…
 
Bf: Hi
Her: Hi
Bf: I love you
 
 
 
Right then and there, it broke me up. God knows what I was about to do that time but it literally broke me..
 
I was in school preparing for a major exam. And I saw that message. I was in front of my friends that I couldn’t even br
eak a sob. Like that feeling when you just wanna cry but you’re just hold it in to avoid yourself the embarrassment I did my best to conceal what I felt.
 
A couple of messages sent by my boyfriend was that if she wants him to be a sponsor to make babies with her cause she has a girlfriend and can’t have babies.
That really hurts. I’ve never been this hurt for so long. I felt like going home. i felt like going somewhere. It felt like I just want time to stop and please god damn let me cry. I took the exams almost in the verge of crying but i managed. I told him everything I knew. I was so ready to break up with him. Even though it was a year ago, what he did is unforgiving. 
 
 
I was so sad. I was so mad. I was so broken. 
 
 
No words could describe how I felt that time.. All I have to do is let go because why would it matter for me to stay if he’s just gonna be inlove with someone else.. I just have to…
 
 
 
But I didn’t. I stayed. I continuously want to become a fool. He cried. He begged. This time, I can feel his sincerity. I continued to bend my rules over and over just for him. Even though I cant take it anymore, I continued to stay. He told me to give him just one more chance but i don’t even know how much more chances I’m willing to give. It really hurts but i continued to stay strong.
 
 
It’s been a week since the “i managed to open his fake account” incident and life has never been better. He’s going back to his place next month. I’m going to miss him. My trust issues are still gonna be there. But im still willing to bend my chances with him. Im a fool. Im a happy fool.
 
 
-Cosmo Wolf  

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