So, update about the guy from Ohio. He was okay with the respect thing, but then ruined it right after. For whatever reason that possessed him he felt the need to ask me, a woman he barely knew, what I would do if he tried to steal a kiss? Now I’m going to leave out the point that I live in Georgia and he lives in Ohio which would make this impossible, but really?! What would possess you to think this was an acceptable question to ask a woman after only talking hell not even talking, texting twice. Not even that, it was on the site messenger. I can’t even think how that is even remotely acceptable. I mean yes, it’s only asking about a kiss, but this is what I was saying about some common sense. I can’t even see how this is remotely a good thing or even what would think that was something to ask like that? I did ask him these same questions because I was curious. I haven’t received an answer. Just that struck me as something I would be curious about. I guess that I won’t ever understand things like that.
I was called to see if I would work yesterday and I would have except that I have to keep what gas I have for this week for the days I’m scheduled. I did finally get to talk to my brother yesterday and catch him up with things. Seemed he had an issue that cost him and finally got his phone back on. I’ve been backing off on what I post on Facebook. It seems for the best. I’ve been going between reading, playing Facebook games, and watching Designing Women. I also managed to get my room cleaned up yesterday. That had been slacking since I had started working. Looks better now.
Last night I was thinking about the Lion again. I shouldn’t have but I wasn’t having a very good night. With the prospects, low, I was feeling a bit lonely. Yes, I have a job. I’m working. Honestly though it’s just something I will always doing. I had once said that I want to do what my father did when he retired. He became basically a professional student. I wouldn’t mind doing that myself. I know that I can’t live with the kids forever. I’m sure there will come a day that they will be throwing me out to have their life. Thing is I don’t know or have the first clue where I will go or what I would do. It’s just me and the cats. Not like I have any idea of where I would go to live. I can’t go back to California. Even if I do miss it. I refuse to go back to Indiana. I refuse to go back to Florida, even if I would have a job the minute I did return. The problem with that is it’s gone so downhill through the years that everyone is leaving the area to get away from it. I can’t blame anyone. The Dragon offered for me to live in Mississippi with him, but I could never see myself living there. Honestly this goes into that whole I have no desire for anything really. I don’t see myself living anywhere. Not anywhere I would be ‘happy’. The idea of moving nauseates the hell out of me. I am tired. Moving means going somewhere else, most likely another state, starting all over from scratch, not knowing anyone, not having anything but what little I have left, and scratching to stay alive again. I’m pretty damn tired of that. I had thought with the Lion that I would have roots. A place that I would be for the rest of my days that I wouldn’t be doing this over and over again. All that taught me is there is no place for me. No place that I belong. That I will never find one place that I will simply just live out my days. It all ends and usually badly and that it’s just going to repeat every few years. Unless you’ve been there it’s hard to explain how tiring that is. I was told multitudes of times to look to the future and honestly it’s just not worth it. The lesson the Lion taught me was why bother? There will always be someone there to make sure it’s ripped away from you.
Today is a lazy day for me. Day 1 usually is during the six-day run. I feel miserable and bloated which doesn’t help with the idea of being fat. I know there’s women out there struggling with their weight. I’m all for them doing their best. As for me, I was always terrified of my mother. Some people, like the Lion for instance, can wear weight well. He is self-conscious of his weight but to me he was always attractive. He wears it well. I don’t though. Any weight on me is easily seen. My mother at her heaviest was nearly 400 lbs. and that scared me. In 7th grade I was 125 lbs. and I was called fat. By the time I entered 8th grade, I was down to 95 lbs. I had made it a point to lose the weight over the summer to avoid being fat. That had actually affected how I looked at weight. It’s not much different today than it was then. If you have a little weight on, you’re not even attractive in the least. This is what we’re told by men and society as women. So, we become obsessed with our weight. If it’s unhealthy and a doctor has told you so, then lose the weight. If you’re not happy with yourself, take the steps to lose it. Don’t let the world tell you anything. If you’re comfortable in your own skin enjoy it. I’ve been shamed by heavier friends because of being “too small” and I’ve been called fat for having a little more to grab onto. When I look in the mirror I still see that size 0 girl that I was and know that I’ll only be socially acceptable if I get there once more. As the adage goes, “when I looked across the room and saw you for the first time it wasn’t your sense of humor that attracted me.”
A little thing to make note of. My family, blood relatives, have nothing to do with me. I could drop dead tomorrow and they wouldn’t give 2 shits really. Most of those that I call ‘brother’ and on rare occasion ‘sister’ because honestly women hate me. That’s just something I have come to live with. Women have 0 in common with me and this has led to me having more male friends than female. I was once described as a really cool guy who has long hair and boobs. So, this has led to me having more male friends than female. Anyway, back to what I was saying, my brother that I speak of isn’t my blood relative brother. He’s been a friend since my ex-husband. One of the truest friends I have. My oldest daughter is convinced that he and I will end up together. I have tried to explain to her that through the years we have become comfortable with our being brother and sister. That there is no attraction there in any way. We’ve always been close. From the Ogre swearing I was always sleeping with my brother even up to the Lion suggesting from time to time at the start that there was something going on until he was finally comfortable that my brother was truly just that. W has been more of a brother than my brothers ever were. Even through things with the Lion, he has been the main one that had simply just let me get it all out of my system. He got angry as all brothers do when someone hurts their sister when he learned of things. He stood with me through even all the friends that walked off, angry as hell that they would do that. I know my daughter has my best at heart and I love her more for it, but honestly that’s one thing that will not likely ever happen. To me, W is my brother and honestly I appreciate him more for being my brother. With my past and the things I have been told I’ve done wrong, that is one relationship I don’t want to ever ruin for any reason. Even I have my lines in the sand that I would never jeopardize for any reason. W is one of those relationships that I couldn’t dare lose. Losing that would be losing the last thing important to me. I learned my lesson about what happens when you walk that path. And honestly, I love my brother too much to lose that over something so painful as “it just didn’t work out”. She doesn’t believe me, but I know some things far better than she does. This is one of those cases.