This isn’t really a journal post, just something i wanted to talk about, and something that heavily affects who I am.
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, I have it and on the surface I guess it doesn’t seem that bad. You are overactive, impulsive and you have trouble paying attention, not anything life ruining, hell it just sounds like being a young kid.
Honestly when I found out I had it, it didn’t even feel like it was a big deal. But it has defined who I am, my thoughts race by a mile a minute, I’m quite eccentric and I guess it can make me quite humorous. I’m the class clown you could say, but what if i want to go into a class and be calm, focus on my work and for fucks sake be taken seriously? It’s so hard to just go through one class and not, fidget and talk and lose track of the work, and it’s not just in class or even just in school, the slightest distraction can make me lose track of a conversation with someone right next to me. I feel like an absolute burden when for the fifth goddamn time I have to ask what my friend just said because some kid on the other side of the playground was kicking a ball high in the air, like come on can’t i just pay attention?
Of course i could get medication, yeah… just take pills and augment who I am so i can function “properly”. The thought of me needing medication just makes be feel like I’m broken or something, a genetic defect, so no I don’t think I’ll ever be able to take pills to “cure” myself, because it is just that, curing me.
The fact that I’m so tied to this identity of the funny guy in class is fun, but horrible. On one side I can take pride in the fact that people are brought happiness from me, but on the other. Well as I said, the funny guy isn’t meant to have any problems, or be taken seriously. No one wants to listen to the class clowns stories of depression or feelings of inadequacy because that would mean I’m an actual person. Not just a joke dispenser that you feed appreciation, appreciation that this “joke dispenser” would be nothing without. Because those five seconds of laughter caused by a cheeky quip are honestly the best parts of my day. Then again I don’t think it’s entirely healthy to have 90% of my happiness count on me pleasing others. Because when a joke falls flat it falls HARD.
See,it even shows in my writing that I can’t stay on topic, instead I’ writing some stupid shit about my perception of being the class clown? Like fuck Liam how can you turn being funny into something so fucking horrible.
I’ve heard that all humor is rooted in tragedy, and I guess that’s true, but at certain points things just aren’t funny anymore. On June 28 2015, on the way to the airport for a month long vacation to Europe, I got in a car crash. My leg was caught between the drivers side door and the seat, I had completely snapped my femur. This was probably the worst moment in my entire life, I was trapped in the car as my side door was broken, and I couldn’t move out of my seat.
<Fucked up Shit>
It’s fucked up, that’s all i can say, I was looking down at me leg, and could see my bone pressing up against my skin, it was the largest bump I had ever seen. I was scared shitless, and the pain, it was nearly unbearable, hell while I’m writing this I can remember it so vividly that i can almost feel it. I was in that car for around 1-2 hours and spent a month in hospital, then i was on crutches for a long time after that. I still have a pin in my leg.
I get driven to my school every day, and we have to pass through a moderately busy intersection. Now since my accident I’ve never been too comfortable in cars, and especially at this no lights intersection, every day I watch trucks come right towards my car, and sometimes I just freeze up. It feels weird typing this because I’ve never actually told anyone,, should I? Or will it just be considered a cover for wanting attention, why wouldn’t i have talked to someone about this before?
So yeah, I couldn’t really write too much more on the whole PTSD thing, but this is some stuff I really needed to get out of my system,thanks for reading it, if anyone ever does, and drive safe.