Grief

I’ve never gotten the chance to actually greive for the loss of my very dear friend who died two years ago, and I feel so much pain and sorrow. I wanted to scream from the rooftop and wonder in that exact moment what had happened. Was there something I could have done? Probably not because she always did what she wanted even though we lost touch over the year it just never was the same. I wasn’t what she wanted or needed at that given time. I was the good friend and never judged her, but judged her to others because I knew she was a better person then that, and that is why it second guesses me that when she passed that if there were other things going on in her life that I had no power over. It takes a lot to get up and go to a friend’s funeral when you haven’t seen them for some time, and wonder why am I even here in the first place! I care, I cared for you and maybe I shouldn’t have cared for you that much that I didn’t get to really really grieve the loss of you. There were many people there that grieved for you that I couldn’t let out at that given moment. I guess I needed to grieve in my own way and really make sense of it all. Your better half wasn’t even there that you spent most days with who was the more fun, daring one that did everything, but not me. You had a daughter too that you left behind. What were you thinking!!?? I hate you for leaving, for doing what you were doing or god knows what you weren’t doing. Nobody really knows but your family! I wish you were here….. I’ll always wish you were here. I think about you from time to time, but I don’t want to think about you because my mind is going crazy. I’m in a fucked up situation thinking of all these thoughts going through my head/mind/soul/body…. For what I would give to hear your laugh one more time and to have said goodbye, I haven’t visited your grave yet because it was a private funeral, but I heard you were cremated and buried with your mom. My dear friend, I’ll miss you, forever. I’ll cherish our greatest memories we have had together.

Until we meet again dear friend x0x0

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