Trying to survive…(NSFW)

So what happens when you get bad news.  “Your body is shutting down my friend.”  That is what I heard.  I was actually told a bunch of numbers such as BUN and Creatinine.  Blah blah blah.  “Your body is shutting down AGAIN my friend.”  That is what I heard.  I was given a list of medications that I’d have to go back on.  Worst case scenarios spelled out.  And all I could hear was, “Your body is shutting down again my friend.”  Fuck it.  Fuck it all to hell.  What is there to do?  I’ve already been through this once and all I really wanted was to feel fucking alive because I could feel myself drowning in a sea of “What the fuck!  Is this what is going to take me out this time??”  

I don’t talk to anyone.  Why?  Because no one fucking gets it.  No one understands how I angry I am.  It’s complete shit.  My body is shutting down AGAIN??  The minute I open up to someone about how much this angers me and scares me opens up this horrible vulnerability where I feel the pain on a fresh scathing level.  Then those people hear the top layer of frustration and then dismiss it for their own real lives….leaving me feeling empty and alone and more angry than I was before I opened my mouth in the first place.  I just cannot believe that my body is trying to shut down again….

So I walk outside.  I sit down in my comfortable chair at the table sitting on my patio wondering what the next step is.  I’m so frustrated in that moment…I feel myself sinking.  I know that I need to survive but I know that I am not going to feel the need to survive unless I just feel alive.  Yes, I have a million things to live for.  But in that moment, I just wanted to feel SOMETHING.  I’m staring at the table, looking through it to my bare legs.  I put my hand down on my knees, looking through the slightly frosted glass, seeing my now visually distorted hand moving from my knee up my thighs.

I don’t know why, but I feel a small twinge between my legs.  Small…a little awakening.  I need to feel alive.  I move my fingers up my thighs, in between those thighs…Will this help me feel alive?  I think about it for a moment.  I think about what it would be like to be fucked over this table.  But, he is not home and will not be home for hours.  So I am alone.  I wonder, is this something I should do alone?

I know that my neighbors behind me can sometimes see onto my patio.  Not a great and easy gaze but I have seen them before.  And I know that my neighbors to the side of me when moving to the back of the yard could look over and get a better glance onto my screened in patio…Of course they would have to look hard…Should I even do this?  And when I start thinking about getting caught, my cunt wakes up more.

It reminds me of the time that I would masturbate in the car in the parking lot of where I worked because I was looking to feel alive…My ex would give me really unusual tasks and I would do them and right about them and I was always alone.  It was a way for me to be alone and feel alive.  I’m sure it sounds crazy to most but it worked.  So, I wondered, would it work this time?

I actually ended up texting someone to tell them that I was about to do this.  Because then I knew I would.  And this person only really views me most days as a sexual object.  Despite being so much more.  Despite getting frustrated that is how I am viewed.  Despite how many times I tell them that it is personal and private, it never seems to matter to them.  And I am quick to be compared to others, which is even more awkward…when I tell them about how my body is fucked up from past health issues, past traumas…and I get in return…”Eh, who cares, I’m used to seeing that…”  They never seem to get that we don’t want to be categorized with other people.  So I am not even sure why I told them.  But I did because then I knew I’d do it.

I get up and go inside and open my drawer and grab the first toy my hand finds and turn right around and walk outside.  I look around and look down at the slick cool surface of a basic vibrator and turn it on.  And when I do, I feel blood rushing to my cunt.  My free hand sneaks down and my fingers stroke the soft slips, feeling the heat starting to build.  

I want to feel alive.  I want to feel alive just so I know that I will survive.  

I feel a dampness grace my finger tips.  I look down and see my long t-shirt covering my body, but my bare legs beginning to part at my own touch.  Pants are never needed in my house.  Panties are too binding.

I look at the table and lean forward and push the drink and paper and pen off the desk and lean forward…I spread my legs, I feel my breasts pushing into the glass, and I put the toy that is still vibrating near my clit.  My arm is caught between the edge of the table and my now dripping cunt.  Is someone outside?  Can they see me?  

I move press it against my clit and close my eyes.  I feel that immediate tingle that goes from the swollen clit to the my finger tips and toes and I exhale.  I need to feel alive.

I push this vibrating pink toy down and find the dripping hole and consider for brief moment of being gentle.  I move the toys around, letting my own juices lube it up and I consider, how slow it needs to be for me to feel pleasure.  I squeeze my eyes shut tight and position it ready to slowly enter my cunt and I stop.  My eyes pop open…I look out of the screened porch and think…”Alive”…

I thrust that vibrator into my cunt with a quick firmness.  I actually force myself forward and groan the the surprise of the fierceness.  “Alive….”….I proceeded to actually fuck myself.  Not gently but with anger.  I imagine myself being fucked from behind.  But, I know it is only me.  With each angry thrust, I force myself against the table and feel my fingers growing slick…”Just want to feel alive…”  And I can’t really enjoy it.  I don’t know, despite my body’s obvious reaction, why I cannot get into that mindset.

I think back to the last time I did sometimes like this and how it worked and this time it is not working.  My cunt begins to get sore from my abusing it and I stop.  I stand up and look around and see someone from the house behind me, looking in my general direction.  I know he can’t get a full view but I know he could hear me.  

I move to another chair and prop my legs up and use the vibrator to my clit in hopes that will bring me to a climax.  And I hear the neighbor’s lawn mower start up.  From my position, I can see into their yard and know that if they looked hard enough, they could see where I am.  I am sitting in this chair with my legs spread while with one hand holding a vibrator into my sore beaten cunt and my other has two fingers thrashing my clit, desperate for that relief.  I close my eyes tight and force myself to continue to fuck…just fuck the pain away….fuck away the frustration….allow yourself to cum so that you can explode and feel that sweet release.  “Need to feel alive….”  It’s not no longer about just getting off, now it’s about survival.  I need to feel to survive.  

I open my eyes for a second and see what looks like the neighbor glancing over my in general direction.  I take comfort in the idea that he would not get a clear view due to bushes, small trees and that our house is not close enough to make a huge difference but it seems that my two neighbors just have this intuition that there is some woman nearby fucking herself into exhaustion.  This normally would make me cum faster but it actually made me very self conscious.  Grateful that they couldn’t see me well…because then they would see that I was crying.  I didn’t even know I was crying.

When I hear the lawnmower move away from the fence, I close my eyes and concentrate.  I’m abusing my cunt to the point that I know I will pay for it later.  Cum to survive…cum to feel.  I need that feeling…I feel myself getting close, my legs between to shake.  My body is shutting down on me again…it’s just shutting down again and right now I need it to be alive.  I feel the tears fall down my cheeks…and I get right to edge…my fingers have never moved so fast…and I push myself over the edge.  But, it was so small…I didn’t scream out that primal scream that I thought I would.  I just feel a small release…I try to push it harder to see if I can go again, and it doesn’t work.  I feel nothing…

It goes numb.  My body is shutting down again.

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