Confused

I’ve supposed to have started a story for my creative writing and history homework, only to start late, all because of my stupide cramped up mind.  How on earth am I supposed to write something good, every time she asked me to do something, I would do the opposite, I can’t do anything right. I suck at school, I can’t seem to do anything right. Why can’t I be smart like before or like the other people in my grade, I’m no good in maths, I can no longer focus on one of my most loved subjects.

My family is messed up at the moment, I don’t even know who my real friends are anymore. I’m so confused, people that were once putting me down are the ones trying to get closer to me, should I trust them. Should I let them in, or should I keep my walls up, I mean…I can’t get hurt that way. And the people I let close to me are now pulling down into a deeper hole. I’m in broken mother and daughter relationship. School used to be an escape for me NOW IT’S NOTHING BUT A BATTLEFIELD……I feel like a rubbish bine. When everyone’s pissed or just feel like been a dick, they dump it all on me. “Your so stupide..”…..”Where you a mistake?” “Your nothing but shite.” Then when I get home……. “BLESSING, HURRY UP AND CLEAN THIS PLACE, I’M NOT YOUR SLAVE.YOUR OLD ENHOUGH.” “WHY I’NT YOU EATING, ARE YOU STILL A BABY.” “BLESSING GET DOWN HERE AND EAT SOMETHING BEFORE I BEAT YOU!!!”  “BLESSING WAKE UP NOW, STOP BEING LAZY, YOU DON’T WANT TO DO ANYTHING JUST LAY THERE AND SLEEP, WHILE I DO ALL THE HARD WORK. I’M THE FIRST ONE TO GET UP AND LAST TO SLEEP.” But what they don’t know, is that I’m the last one to sleep, after hours of restlessness. “BLESSING WHY IS YOUR RESULT LIKE THIS, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A SPEND TO PUT YOU IN A GOOD SCHOOL. YOU WAIT FOR ME I WILL DEAL WITH YOU LATER!!! COME ON GET OUT OF FACE, IF YOU DON’T GET OUT OF HER I’LL BEAT YOU.”

 

Boom the next thing I feel is a hot slap against my already swollen face, now a perfect hand print to add to it. “LOOK AT YOU, DURTY BOX…I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU”. Yes me, I’m nothing but a piece of garbage that was washed up on the beach, I hide behind a mask every day. I put on that smile that would hide everything, I pull my sleaves down so no one can see the marks left from my beating. The belt mark stinging from the night before, I walk through the school gates with my head held down. The events of the pervious nights sworn around in my head as if a hundred bees were buzzing around at the bee hive. My eyes swollen from the rubbing and crying, the swelling gone down but leaving a small bruise not noticeable though, my feet hurt from all the dancing and walking. My head hurting from all the stress and lack of sleep.

 

As I put away my things into my locker, someone comes to say hi, “Hey..oh are you ok, you don’t look so good.” “Nah it’s fine, I’m just tried that’s all.” Well it’s the truth, I am tried. But it’s not the whole truth. A much as I would like to seat down and just let out a deep breath, I can’t…why? Well the person keeps talking, they keep talking about all the amazing things they did….The things they did with their families and all the shopping they did. I don’t want to seem to mean or harsh, so I keep quiet, I try my best to listen. And then..I tell them how happy I am for them, it’s true. I am happy for them, I keep walking down the hall, I make my way past the Fraser lockers and wonder who knows were. To lost in my thought to care, I get knocked down, I quickly look up and see my fried yelling at me and telling me that I should watch were I’m going. She’s right though, no matter how much I’m thinking or whatever I’m doing, I should look were I’m going. Then she starts to rant on about how she never got to go to the beach with our other friends and had to stay home to do here homework, she asked me to help her. I said yes of course, she got a high mark, I’m glad she did. 

 

She asked me a question and I didn’t hear her properly, I gave her the wrong answer. She started laughing at me and calling me stupide, the others joined in too. I can feel the anger boiling inside me, but I can’t do anything. If I say something it would be out of anger, if I stay I would hurt her physically. I stop and think, do I really want to get into trouble again, what would my parents say when I get home.  I quickly walk away before I do something stupid. She gets angry at me and starts rumours that I hate her, but I really don’t. The next day, she tags me in a post, I hit my head while watching it. I tried typing back while trying to tend to my hurt head. I pressed send, never thought that what I said would make me a laughing stock. Well it did, and other people joined in. “She can’t write properly because she did something to her brain that what happened”. That’s what she said, and they all kept laughing.

 

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