This isn’t real

So I live out of town and I visit my friends every Tuesday evening. Or well… try. Well I was on the expressway when I got the call.

My sister in law told me to cancel my plans this weekend and the last time she ask me to cancel plans someone had died.

My oldest brother died.

We are not sure, but we knew he had a bad heart and other problems, but also mental issues. Like depression and what not.

I’m heart broken. I just sat there like, “Um.. no. No he didn’t.”

He did though. He’s gone.
Last I saw him was Easter. He lives a couple hours away. I had talk to him about our medical issues recently and our emotions.

I had to cancel two doctor appts today. In tears.. barely could understand me.

My poor mother.. she was in shock. Even peed herself.. I was already on my way to town and my route changed to my friends to her house. I went as fast as I could. Ran in there.. she was on the couch on the phone. No tears.. calm.
I couldn’t understand. I thought maybe she didn’t know yet, but she did. She was clearly in shock. I heard before I got there she had cried and beat up the washer, wall.. other things.

But like my mom always does. She pulled it together. Stopped. I only remember my mother crying once in my childhood. She doesn’t cry.

This morning I called her and you could tell she was crying. It was bittersweet to hear her getting it out. She needs to. I told her she can’t hold it in.
She has blood pressure issues. I worry about her.

I’ll miss you, big brother. I love you. Watch over us.. especially our mom.

Forever in my heart. <3

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