2

Here we are again, probably beating a dead horse, but this is supposed to be my outlet right? A safe space to get things off my chest…

Today’s topic is happiness or my lack thereof. I have been told time and again hat happiness comes from within, your situation could always be so much worse, you have so much to be grateful for…etc. . . etc . . .

I know ALL of those things but I still cant help but to feel how I feel. I am still struggling with the miscarriage and the fact that everything month which passes by and I get another period instead of a baby, it seems I am becoming more and more bitter, resentful and hostile about the situation. I cant find it in my heart to be happy for other people and their new children, even though id want them to be happy for me if I were in the same boat. I just cant seem to get past my own hurt.

I used to think of myself as a good person until life decided to take a dump on me and it hasnt let up yet. I know im jaded, pessimistic, negative, choose your own adjective but I just dont know how to feel better. What have I dont wrong? Why am I not worthy of being a parent? Questions that plague my mind…

I dont really like the person ive become much, but I cant seem to shake it off or to snap out of the funk… I dont feel happiness and I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel. I get so mad at God because I believe that he alone knows the truest intentions and desires of our hearts and as such he should know how incomplete my life feels without a child…

I cant understand why everything in my life eventually seems to get taken away. I lost my dad at age 21. I’ve lost my child at 26. I lost my job at 27. I just, I dont know. I just know im purely miserable and when I think about why its always the same things: I dont have a kid, I dont have a house, I dont have a job and I dont have a car in my name (just the privilege of driving someone elses.) I cant understand why I keep putting in applications, ive been on several interviews, including 2nd interviews, but im not getting the jobs…my degree is really working out.

I wish I could go to the top of a really tall mountain and scream at the top of my lungs and then I wish I could hurdle myself off the side of the mountain…. unsure how id want that scenario to end at this point…

One thought on “2”

  1. Awww I’m terribly sorry that terrible things keep happening. It’s bound to get better eventually though, right? Just keep on keeping on until then. 🙂

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