I went to a rowing class this morning. My arms were hurting some at first. I guess because that was my first rowing class in a few weeks. I was gone to KY for 2 weeks, and then I had to wait until August 2nd when my new class pass classes became active. I will schedule another one for next week. I can only go to the same gym twice in a month with my class pass. I still really want to get into a martial arts class. I want to learn how to kick ass. I know I am so weak. I need to get stronger in my upper body. I used to say if I was like my friend that was a stay at home mom with 2 grown kids, I would work out all day every day. Clearly that has not happened this summer. I have had nothing to do all day, but I don’t even do my crunches or any work with weights for my arms. Why is it so hard to make yourself do that shit? I don’t want to be fat, I do want to be fit, but I still sit my ass on the couch way too many hours every damned day. I did have a spot of good news this morning. I had mother fucking finally lost a little weight after weeks of weighing the same damn thing- 3 pounds down this morning. If I get on that scale next time and it’s back up, I will lose my mind. I am trying SO hard to lose, and I can’t. I wanted to lose 10 pounds this summer. I guess I have lost 6 if you go back to my June weight. Christine did ask me on Tuesday when I saw her if I had lost weight, so maybe at least I have lost enough that it’s noticeable. I am old and have an old face, so I can’t be fat, too. Pick a fucking struggle.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."