20 AUG 2017

Seeing you walk through the door, albeit 15 minutes late, was perfect. The room was dark and grimy and as you opened the door, directly in my vision, you entered on rays of pure joy. Your aura penetrated the dingy environment and saturated the hall with a warmness I can’t explain. I can’t accurately explain any of this… but I must try in order to move past this. I’ll never forget this moment because I was becoming anxious from the blonde sitting at the table in front of me, questioning whether or not I had passed right by you 25 minutes earlier. I digress.. You were wearing red just like I told you, and my you were stunning. I don’t remember how long you stood there because it seemed like an eternity to me. Seeing your smile from there and I was already paralyzed… How would I be when you were two feet in front of me?! Alas I managed. Watching you walk down the ‘isle’ as I waved the hostess down. I  could already feel it, the angst, my stomach turned, my head got light and my hands were trembling. Feelings I have not felt, I was experiencing from someone I’ve known since grade school. No girl or woman has ever gave me these powerful and unwanted emotions… and it only took lunch. We hugged… I could move, and you didn’t seem to notice my trembling hands and pounding heart. It’s been eight years since you were last in my arms, and it felt so natural. Not awkward or forced. I knew just where to put my arms around you, and you me. I rested my left hand on your lower back and my right on your right shoulder blade. We sat down. I felt bad for ordering already. I deep down doubted we would actually be here together. All my problems faded, the bar faded, and the outside noise didn’t exist as I could only focus on you.. Your smile, so bright, long blonde hair, and your lips were so smooth. I didn’t want to look away, to miss a moment of this, or notice anything else about you. I was in a trance i couldn’t shake. I believe I mistook being cold for shaking, because it spread like wildfire through my body. What chemical was this? ‘Chemistry’ lol… you insisted I tell you about myself. My heart dropped after you asked.I’m not going to hide anything from anyone, but my past was only full of skeletons. I couldn’t hide any of them even if I tried… My story and who I am is to dependent on them… I reluctantly started. Moving from ghosting you (which was the last time i saw you), to nic, to school, and than my ex-wife. Each time I pulled one out I studied your face, body, and eyes for the first sign of worry or disinterest.. I may be a fool to this day because I didn’t see any… It seems/seemed to good to be true.. I believe (today) it was. This whole time you were eating a thick burger… a Juicy, cheesy, delightful burger. and fries! While i sat across you with my little ahi tuna and salad that I didn’t even touch! I felt sick blaming it on being hungover… from ONE glass of wine.. I was wondering why I felt so sick, until now. It was you…

I’m not gonna lie. this is a weak feeling, all of it. No matter how good it felt in the moment. After I finished my story, you started. – OH, i’m gonna pause here before I ‘continue with my book report,’ a vodka cranberry with lime in a rocks glass is a frickin cosmo, on the rocks… end rant- your life is so different than I would have guessed. It sounds (now that i’m thinking about it) like you may still have something for your first love. I’m not sure and its irrelevant. I’m not going to disclose any of your stories in my entry. That’s not my business.

Our time was running short. We decided to keep hanging out as we left the Copper Penny. Those seats will forever be mine and yours. I won’t be able to taste a cosmo without thinking of you, or drinking an old fashion without you stealing a sip and enjoying it on my mind. I left the dark dingy hall for a ray of hot burning light. You were even more stunning outside. You decided to show me grinder, because of Mr. L. I offered to drive you to your car. I opened your door but I didn’t help you in… I blanked, as I was walking around it hit me. All those years my mom strove to teach me how to be a gentleman, and in this one moment I failed. I was to concerned about getting the A/c going. I couldn’t look at you, hell I could barely believe this was real. I followed you to grinder. I ended up paying on my card since its a five dollar minimum. You gave me five dollars to pay for your coffee which was practically an ice cream shake. We talked and talked. Made fun of each other. Reminisced. It was great. this day, was the highlight of my time back, and once I tell one single person about all this. Its’ going as far away from my thoughts as possible. It wouldn’t be to much of a stretch to say simply having lunch with you brought the most joy in my life… at least for sure in the past 8 years. I still remember the creepy guy who kept staring. I never wanted anything more than time with you. time to explore why I’ve had a thought of you still. Ever since I ghosted you. I would only occasionally notice you on Facebook or Instagram, but today was different. I got to explore being with you again, and it was literally to good to be true. I should have been more respectful, something, talked less, only so I could get another lunch with you. I want. Wanted to know why i felt like that. A mentor here in England asked me before I left. Before I had lunch, while I was acting like a child on cloud 9 because you entertained the idea of coffee. He asked me if I was gonna “get it in.” All it took was that question to sober my high. I told him no because I would rather have coffee and enjoy ourselves, than a one night stand. I respected you and our ever tiny past to much for that. The entire shop heard this and heckled me. It didn’t matter, doesn’t matter.

I am happy for the time I did get.

But heartbroken for the time i didn’t.

You haven’t opened anything from me. You didn’t reply to my text. I understand you want me gone. I’m not going to bother you. I will say, I wish things played out differently. I wish I could have held you in my arms,

but I’m here,

You’re there,

Forever apart now.

 

-J

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