I have no plans for today- nowhere to be. I slept really late today because I stayed up until 1:15 last night watching Lost. I went to my new friend, Jan’s birthday party last night down in Battery Park. The friend that hosted it had an amazing apartment- she has a huge outdoor space off her apartment- her outdoor space is literally bigger than my whole apartment. The view is of the Hudson River and New Jersey. It really is spectacular. To me, it would be like living in a vacation spot- it was so resort like. I also noticed she didn’t have a television in her place. I feel a little inadequate with Jan’s friends. I am sure I am the low income level of the group. Also the low brow/least cultured. Not because I want to be that, it’s just how it is. I grew up poor in the mountains- most of the ladies at the party were nice to me, but I do think a couple of them looked down their nose at me a little. I don’t really care- just how it is. I love to learn new things and experience new things, and I am very open to culture of all sorts, but I am what I am and I don’t pretend to be anything else. When I was 18 and went to college, I did try to pretend I wasn’t poor- I didn’t out and out lie, but I would insinuate or let people believe I was from a family better off than I was.
Just Keep Swimming
I am a 48 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."