It’s just an illusion, darling

Today is one of those many many days I wish we were just done with each other. I wish we were living our own lives. I have absolutely no motivation to care. Everything is so mundane. There is no love between us anymore. Our time was short lived. Now we just exist. He does pretty much nothing to make me feel wanted. I think about my life 10, 20, 30 years from now and it’s sad that I know nothing will change. I’m stuck here in this bubble. The oxygen slowly leaking out. No where to go. Just living and breathing for my daughter so she can grow up living a happy wholesome life because I don’t want to force her into a life she never asked for. I don’t want to be the parent that turns her world upside down. I already made up my mind that I will suffer in silence so she can live comfortably and no I won’t resent her for that, I just realize what I have to do as a parent for my child. Parenting requires sacrifice no matter how you look at it. I had my chance at happiness. I had my chances for a better life but I continued to blow it so now I deal with what I chose. She is innocent and young and deserves a happy life. I will just strongly encourage her to live as much as she possibly can before deciding to get married and have kids. Fight through the loneliness and live for the experiences that you’ll never get the chance to do if you tie yourself with another person. I lost the battle of loneliness and I’m paying for it everyday. Now it’s too late for me to realize that want for love and companionship does not compare to living life to the fullest and experiencing the world as a single individual. As weird as this sounds, it makes complete sense to me. Choose LIFE over love. In my opinion, this world can only offer an illusion of love. Absolute, true love will happen when I die. Then I will finally be happy. 

 

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