So, we recovered again. It was a slip, but only for me emotionally and with regard to my depression resulting from my having been caught acting out in my addiction. Anxiety is a damn powerful force. It hits hard and it makes you think far less clearly so when you might ordinarily have done or said something stupid, in an anxiety event, you no longer think clearly enough to make decisions.
But she was cool about it, said clearly that we had not suffered a setback at all. She said “it’s a process”. She is far more wise than I. We worked on our home project all day Saturday. I showered at our home after she did. While she was putting on her makeup and asked if I could sit with her. I sat on the bed while she was sitting at her makeup mirror. I massaged her shoulders, which she loves. After, she asked me to rub her shoulders more, which I gladly did. Then she surprised me. She lay down with me on the bed and we held each other tightly for about 45 minutes. Nothing sexual. Neither of us are ready to think about that and besides, as a sex addict I need a great deal more abstinence and recovery. So we held each other, realizing the power of the non-sexual touch. It was clarity, and allowed us to connect on a new level.
We attended a party with five other couples, reintroducing ourselves as a couple for the first time in 52 days. I am humbled again, and will be so many times again in my future.
My recovery is going well. Yesterday I completed step 3 with my sponsor. The first 3 were pretty easy for me. The next one will take much more work and be far harder. In step 4, we take a moral inventory of everything we screwed up. That’s a turning point and I am eager to start. Being honest is never easy for an addict. As a sex addict, we live our second lives entirely in secrecy, for obvious reasons. We fear being caught, and even though we know the danger, we cannot stop. My getting caught was actually easier than for other sex addicts. Mine would mean losing my wife, my home…. my life. For some other such addicts, it can mean life ending disease or prison in some cases. But no addiction is ever easy, nor is any addiction good. Addiction is addiction, but sex addiction is still bizarre and twisted. Even other addicts cannot accept this one.
I journey onward, embracing each change, each nuance, as I encounter them. One thing I must train myself to do is to stop and think before I speak. Naturally, this goes completely against the brain of an addict because we are compulsive; we never stop and think. So this will take much work, and I embrace it!