hurts.. real.. me .. just .. stop

this hurts

it always comes back to you, I had a crappy day and I want to call you and tell you about it

but I don’t want to treat you like a boyfriend..you have made it clear.. you have made me feel .. you have not said .. but have acted in a way that shows me that I am not what you want

it fucking hurts.. I feel it deeply .. I fucking love you. I need to get over it. I need to have self respect.. self-love. I deeply want to be with someone that wants to be with me and wants me back.. not just a backup plan, not just in a friend way, I love you and I don’t want to lose you I want to be friends with you .. I know better .. I SHOULD know better than to want be, to fantasize.. to REALLY WANT TO  be with someone that makes me feel like shit.. I need to move on. now if only I knew how.. my brain knows my heart is a stupid little bitch and I hate myself.

 i hate myself. I really do not like who I am at the moment. I feel pathetic and stupid

I need to be nice to myself. I know that but damn it z.. when will you get yourself together?

I’m on bumble.. i told victoria. I knew I should tell someone. I haven’t told anyone  else.. Honestly because I don’t know how i feel about it .. I always judge people that go on these apps, i think about what it would be like if i actually met someone and they ask how did you meet? i wouldn’t want my parents to know. i feel weird.. i went on a date with someone i met there.. it was nice .. i wasn’t attracted to him.. but he was cool.. honestly it was nice to have some outside human interaction and just have fun .. I know that is  not going anywhere ..we haven’t talked in a while.. it was ok… this whole thing..it is interesting.. i hate the small talk thing.. but i do like the talking to someone part.. the possibility.. i gave a guy my number. but today was kind of dishearting..  i feel anxious.. does he like me.. is he gonna text back.. i feel back on my old emotions. I don’t know him i don’t know if i even like him yet.. but i feel so .. just aaaa.. does he like me.. is this anything.. we haven’t even met yet.. he plays music.. what if i don’t like his music? i don’t know if he likes me,  i know he has a life, he has a job. but sometimes he doesn’t text back.I feel pathetic. God, I really hate myself. I’m back to feeling like shit… Not to mention my bank situation. someone used my card.. someone stole my credit card.. someone stole my mail.. i hope it’s not my roommate .. i like her..i want to be friends with her.. I feel bad even thinking this way. i feel guilty for even thinking this way about her.. I might be paranoid.i wish I’m wrong..she is acting weird tho.. why would she change her phone number? why does she seem so worried 🙁 I’m so sad. i wish i had someone to talk to right now.. i want to have a boyfriend.. should i call victoria? the person I want to call is James.. but i also dont want to.Hes not my boyfriend.. i shouldnt treat him like one.. hes my best friend tho.. I just know im not gonna get what I want and probably end up feeling worse and i feel pretty down right now.. i thought journaling would help.. i guess venting to whatever this is does help some.. but i still feel bad.. and now im crying .. God i hate crying.. i just want this to stop.. sometimes i just want to disapear and go away..  but i dont want to cause anyone pain.. I know my parents couldnt take it, I know it would destroy them and my sister too.. I know I am loved, and i should feel grateful .. I really want to be ..

i know they love me. they just have busy lives and lots of concerns.. i feel so alone..

i dont want to die.. i just want to feel better.. i just want to be happy and love life again.

i havent been ok for a while.. i dont know what to do. journaling puts things in front of me

i dont like it. ..i feel negative emotions right now and im seeing them and i dont like them

I cant stop crying. if this was a notebook journal there would be tear stains on it. i used to have those.. i used to keep one.. but someone could easily read those.. I dont always have those with me .. its different but this is better.

i truly want to like myself again and feel better and be happy and love life

 

why do i feel so ALONE.. i wish i could feel better.

im so sad.. i want to be real. I want to been seen and known and loved and heard i feel ike im dying.. like im rotting away.. i feel like a ghost….like just here .. i dont care.. im just here. im like the shell of a person.

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