Day 601 & 602 – Symbols & biggest regrets

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Today was okay.

School went by as usual, nothing new happened. I had a substitute teacher in math though, so Kohai and I talked about dreams, then the conversation carried on to a specific celebirty, tattoos, symbols, and then problems in our life. A few topics I wanna pull out though is the celebirty, tattoos and symbols. I was talking about a celeb I dreamed about, and how when I first noticed him on a YouTube video, I liked his style; black clothing, black hair, glasses, tattoos, basically things that are the almost the opposite of me. He also sounded as if he didn’t articulate his speech much which I can relate to, and he looks incredibly young for his age. But something was off about him. Part of me loved his style, the other thought something was really off about him. I thought maybe I didn’t like his hair, but I actually do like it (except for one part that is weirdly cut at the back). Then I noticed a tattoo on his neck. I googled the symbol before, and it came up as black sulfur, but I was certain something was up with that, so I googled it again, and after a tiny bit of research, it’s actually a satanic symbol. I’m not sure my dislike for something about his appearance being a satanic symbol was God telling me to watch out, or if I simply saw it in the past and made a mental note to be careful of it and then forgot about it, but I found it very interesting.

On another note, my technology teacher made his R2D2 go full speed into my chair, haha. He was doing that to students and he aimed it towards me, so I looked back, thinking that he was about to do it, but when I saw he kinda looked distracted, I decided he wasn’t going to. I was wrong, since as soon as I turned he did it. We laughed and he crashed his R2D2 into a table. He made a face of “oops” and I told him I was scared that he was going to break it then laughed. I think he said something afterwards about it being strong enough to handle it, but I didn’t hear.

In bed that night I was imagining about having a conversation with the celeb with the satanic tattoo (I do that with some celebs). Technically, it was as if I was asking myself questions, just through the image of him, and then I suddenly made him ask me “What is your biggest regret?” Two things came to mind. The first was when I was a kid, maybe nine or so, I was crying, and for no reason. I was just crying. My parents asked me why I was crying, and young me didn’t want to look stupid by saying I was crying for no reason, so I said I didn’t feel loved by them. They immediately assured they loved me, but no one can say something like that without hurting the other person. I don’t know what went through their mind that night, if I made them question if they were being good parents or not. I hope not. They know that I know they love me now, but I still feel awful.

The second regret was my grandfathers. I don’t feel like I spent enough time or expressed enough love to them before they passed. I promised myself I wouldn’t do the same for my second grandfather, but I still feel like I failed. I know when someone dies it’s understandable that you start blaming yourself when you don’t need to, but sometimes at night I just can’t stop saying I’m sorry to them.

Friday, October 20, 2017 

I started off with math, but it was our free work period, so I studied for my French quiz. I didn’t think it went so great, but oh well.

At lunch I sat with my close friends and Kohai joined later.

In technology I continued the usual and then went of to English. I guess our English teacher was convinced by the students, since everyone was begging to watch a movie yesterday. We’re watching Catch Me If You Can, which seems good so far.

At home I just relaxed and played a bit of Club Penguin. My grandmother and uncle came over for my parents’ anniversary. My grandmother gave me a bit of a gift card for a store which is sweet of her. I need to tell people I love them more.

I also watched a video of the celeb from the other entry. He was babysitting his younger brothers, who were six and eight or so. I watched him not know how to cook mac and cheese out of a box, so he took a long time to read the instructions and messed up a bit after. He’s 40 years old in the video. I mean, the show is probably scripted, and I’m not completely surprised, since he’s a celeb, but really? It was funny regardless.

That’s all for today.

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