Whats the day without a little night?
Somethings got to give. I feel like I’m drowning and I’m waiting for my husband to come save me nightly, if im honest, and he doesnt come. he hasn’t come, since hes been home from overseas (where he was for a month for work). Today I was so all over the place. I was up and I was down. I cried at stupid music, got choked up over things unrelated to me, that happens a lot. But I also felt happy and disconnected from this melancholy when I was busy and socializing. But at the dentist with my kids, I felt so disconnected and worried that everyone could tell something was off about me. I think they call that anxiety.
I realize that when I’m busy busy and staying busy and engaging socially, that I keep my head above water. it energizes me. But then I become my own worst enemy when its just me alone with my kids again. And somehow I slip back under. Then Im not myself. Im yelling at them, im snapping at nothing, im not happy. Then i think, im depressed. like the literal meaning of the word, depressed. not the diagnosis. But like something is pressing DOWN on my brain and depressing my energy.
Im zapped and drowning and waiting for a life raft that doesnt come.
Well, unless you count the opiates i inject into my veins on the regular. Thats the thing. When im flying high, im energized and I can achieve it all. I am social butterfly at the school pot luck, helping out and volunteering my time. I puked at that event BTW, and afterwards, on the side of my house, in the grass, in the dark.
I’m achieving it all, full blown, energized and ready to tackle all my hurdles at once. Everything Ive put off, I just fly through it and feel amazing. Then I’m coasting on that for a couple of days…snappy, yes, but getting by. A few more days though, without anything in my system, and I’m drowning again, this heavy weight pressing down on my skull and depressing every fiber of my personality, the person I thought I’ve always been, deflating the bubbles in my being and eliminating the spring from my usually chipper step.
I pretty much dont know who I am anymore and thats no lie.
I dont even know how long Ive been at this. I lost track. I think Im honestly caught in an addiction spiral. I would really like to fully subscribe to the notion that its just this addition cycle that has me “depressed” (its important to note when I use that word, I mean it as a literal feeling like my brain is being pressed down. Not some phony emotional state. Nothing rational that can be explained by something to be sad over. Just a physical state of being-pressed down).
Theres 3 loads of laundry on my couch right now and my kids keep interupting me but im telling you, i cant function right now. Its so sickening to think. Im functioning well on the outside, really. But I just feel like I can’t deal.
Theres this other thing too, looming in the background. And thats my intentional pregnancy and then subsequent miscarriage that my husband still doesn’t know about, that i went through all on my own.
I dont know if I wrote about that here yet. I wanted a baby so freaking bad. I thought I was so close too. I thought I had my husband convinced we were meant for that. So when he wasnt coming around fast enough, I made it happen, and then God punished me for pretending to be Him. And i bled for 2 weeks straight and was miserable. And I toughed it out and told no one. Michelle and Emily knew actually, but only the simple fact of me losing the pregnancy that I was excited about. Nothing more was said about it.
I put a wall around it. Just like I have done with this little affliction I’m dealing with, only not nearly as bad.
I swear to God I never thought there was anything wrong with what I was doing. For so long. But the problem is that now, its a problem, and I’ve acknowledged that, and I cant forget it and pretend its not there. I do when I’m at work. I shoot up usually like 3-4 times in a given work day. And so I’m incredibly high and have no conscience at all. But the next day I’m like, holy fuck. What was I DOING?! I could easilly get caught. Then I wait for the phone call, which has never once come, so then I do it again. I’ve been suffocating during this last little stretch of time off from work. So you bet your sweet ass I’m bout to get high as a kite tomorrow when the opportunity presents itself. Its the only way I know how to cope now.
I really dont know what to do.
Paul confronted me on it twice. The first time was nice, when we were on a date night. He was cool and just said I needed to stop, thought he understood that I was just having fun, the parties over, time to pack it in so I dont lose my job, in light of how rocky his job is right now. I said I would but im honestly not sure if I meant it or not. I wanted to mean it. I did in some sense. But in the back of my mind I knew I didnt know HOW and i tried to tell him that and he said it was simple; just stop.
The next time he confronted me was BRUUUUUTAL. I was really, really high as fuck when I came home and he ripped into me instantly. I slept on the couch that night. He chewed me right up and I said fuck you. The next morning he apologized for his behavior but not for what he said, and admitted it just scared the shit out of him. My beahavoir, and the thought of me losing my job. I understand, but didnt stop.
Im telling you guys, I really dont know how.
I tried to say that but cant really get him to see how things are for me. The vortex im in.
Theres a divide between us now, a rift. Its the time we spent apart, the things that happened while he was gone (pregnancy, misscarraige, the spiral of my drug use that he didnt know about) and all the hope I have placed in him to fix it all. I have resentment towards him for being gone when I needed him, though it wasnt his fault. And the other big problem is that I had a friend filling my heart, and now I dont. No female bond. I have always had a female bond in my life on a daily basis. When I was a new mom, I had 2 other women in my life who I spent my time with, shared meals with, they were there to help me give my baby a bath at night when Paul worked, and they smoked cigs with me on the picnic table outside our house when I needed to cry. Then I had nursing school and my close friend there, and we did a lot of things together outside school. Becuase we had time. We talked every day. One of my other good friends moved away.
Now i work opposite hours from my other nurse friend. I lost Jen, of course. Bye bitch. I have a void that a close female friendship should be filling, keeping me grounded. My mom was a great stand in! But now, we arent clicking. Somethings different about her, but maybe something is different about me too. I bet she can tell. But she is NEVER the type of confront me on it.
There is always that part of me that hears pauls voice in my head and thinks im exagerating all of this and being overly dramatic and emotional. I push all these things down.
Ive written before about my encounter as a teenager with Eric, a memory I burried and deluded so deeply I swear to God I have no idea whats true about that memory anymore and whats false. I remember him flirting with me in the kitchen alone. I remember being suprised when he said that in fact, he lied, and none of our other friends were actually coming. I remember feeling uncomfortable. I didnt like his tongue ring or his freaky type of persona, or the way he kissed me. What I dont know for sure is how hard I did or didnt resist his advances. I hated all of it, and I hated the way he called me all the time afterwards just to make sure I hadnt told anyone (especially his girlfriend) and I think I remember him threatening me. I dont know if I said no while he did what he did.
These type of thoughts surface from time to time and I dont know how to process them. I supress them and laugh at myself becasue anything else is like torturing myself and wallowing in superficail, pointless, selfinflicted misery FOR NO REASON.
My whole situation at work is even deeper, I think. Because the stakes are higher. Im not a teenager and these arent flippant relationships. This is my husband, my kids, my life. My big adult life hangs in the balance and I think I can beat the system every single day that I do this, because I have gotten away with it for so damn long. I feel like I’m beyond getting caught at this point. I’ve buddied up the pharmacists and my managers. They would let me off the hook even if I had a discrepancy at this point. They trust me. But on the other hand, I do feel like a big sit down could be right around the corner at any moment. Im scared to death but operating on pure instinct at this point.
I feel like a different person has invaded my body and my life and the old me is dead and therefore unable to reclaim her life.