Day 7- Relapse

Health:

Appetite- Present

Weight- 185 lbs

Dream:

I dreamed that I was in a fitness survival contest. I was the last one standing and I heard my ex yell “You got this, hun!” I woke up in shock. Hearing her say that was so clear. It’s what she usually said to cheer me up. It started my relapse.

Today:

My morning started with me in pain from the dream. I was depressed and angry. I reached out to my brother’s GF to ask her for more specific things about their breakup. I asked her two questions: 1. Was it hard seeing my brother? 2. Who broke no contact?

She told me that it took 3 months to get back together because they kept constantly breaking no contact. She told me it was very hard seeing my brother sad because she felt responsible for it. She knew that she could cheer him up by getting back together with him, but that wouldn’t make her happy, no did she need to get back together with him. At the end of 3 months, and their first successful 1 month of no contact, she still loved and cared about my brother. His birthday was coming up soon, so she took that as the opportunity to talk to him. She gave him his present and he was still very angry at her. She endured the anger and kept trying to get close to him. 3 months after my brother’s birthday, they were back in the swing of things as better people. That gave me hope for my ex. Maybe at the end of all of this, she’ll get her head on straight and we’ll revisit the relationship.

Most of my day was spent in the car. I helped my mom run errands around town again starting at noon, and I didn’t get home until 7:30. During one of the errands, I stayed in the car and sang songs I usually listened to when I’m going through tough times.

Cracks of a Broken Heart- Eric Bennet

I Will Always Love You- Whitney Houston

I Have Nothing- Whitney Houston

Paper Hearts- Tori Kelly

I realized how much I loved music and how I really wanted to be a singer when I grew up. I started thinking about making covers again to take up my time. Maybe I will. Who knows?

When I got home, my dad and I fixed my car’s flat tire. I spent the rest of the day reading /r/ExNoContact and /r/Relationships to get over this relapse.

An interesting insight I got today on /r/ExNoContact was that our problem seems fixable. I really don’t want to cling onto false hope, but it really got me thinking about how my ex grieves and when contact should be made.

Here are the facts:

  1. We still love each other
  2. We still care about each other
  3. It’s been 2 weeks since the breakup
  4. It’s been 1 week of no contact
  5. It took her a month to get out of bed after her previous relationship
  6. She broke up because she felt like she wasn’t good enough for me
  7. We’ll see each other every weekend because of my organization
  8. Seeing me socializing and being “normal” heavily affects her

Maybe in 2 weeks she’ll reach out to me. If not, maybe it’ll be time to reach out to her. Who knows?

Where am I?

I’m emotionally exhausted again. I miss her a lot and I can’t get these bits of advice out of my head. Maybe I’m seeking this specific kind of advice. Maybe I speak so passionately about all of this that I end up convincing whoever I’m talking to that it’ll work out. That’s not what I need right now. I need realism and personal growth. I came up with a plan that’s overall beneficial. Be the most me I can be in public and grieve privately. By being the most me, it’ll remind my ex and myself that I’m awesome and that she needs to get her shit in order to ever get a chance to get back with me. In the end of it all, I either fall in love with myself or fall in love with her again. That’s where I am.

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