Going to Harry’s play & pray group every Wednesday morning really helps…I love going into the church afterwards to say a prayer at the alter. It used to be my regular church growing up right until my dad’s breakdown in 2000. It feels familiar to me obviously and I just feel calmer and I get a surge of strength of wanting to make things right. It does make me feel guilty being there but I always feel guilty anywhere I go anyway. I think it’s because I know Jesus and God obviously taught everyone is welcome, no matter what they’ve done.
I feel like an outsider in the group and I feel like I don’t belong, out of place…but I always feel like that too everywhere I go so I keep going with this church group because I think I must believe in it! I’d love to be able to go to mass there again one day when Harry is older. Returning after so long.
In the group one of the members was discussing how a man she knew who used to be very nice and decent has obviously fallen and is now homeless and is always in trouble with the police, being extremely offensive and all other crimes but what caught my attention was this lady wasn’t complaining about him…she was upset that now this gentleman had been given an asbo he was banned from one of the churches…not the one I take Harry to for the group but a different church. Despite all the criminal offenses and trouble he was causing what she was upset about was the law banning him from church; she believed that to be wrong, this man used to be a good man and he obviously needed help.
I felt an odd sense of hope in my seemingly completely shattered hope in humanity in general…even if you’ve done bad things when you’re in a dark place there are people who do see beyond that and see that you need help. I guess at the root of this is my belief that I am the worst person ever, that I really am just pure evil but I don’t want to be and maybe I’m not as bad as I think I am? I hope anyway…and I do feel sad that this man got banned from a church…I know it was the police that enforced it but still everyone is welcome at church no matter what you’ve done. I can’t stand the law and the police anymore, I wouldn’t trust them to help me with anything even if I needed help! No way, don’t trust police whatsoever. Humans with fancy badges, but still human and just as able to do the wrong thing as the next person.
Actually in the play & pray group this morning my old P.E teacher from Cardinal Newman was there for about 15 minutes! I recognised her straight away! She said I was familiar but when she guessed she said my sister…though my sister and I have fallen out I do admit she was the better one in school, the prettier one, the smartest, took part in loads of things, most popular…therefore most memorable! So I wasn’t surprised or offended that she thought I was Alex, I was just the one who never met their full potential because I dedicated my time to self harm when I was in secondary school 🙁 Didn’t have a good time at all, I was so depressed in school I really was. It was nice to see this teacher again, she came with her three year old and obviously she met Harry who is always a cutie to other people 😉
Harry is with his dad at the moment. At Harry’s play group on Monday Pudsey bear came to visit (man in Pudsey bear costume) but I couldn’t get Harry to sit with him for a photo! Harry was only interested in playing with the toy cars, aeroplanes, buses and helicopters! Typical boy I guess. Harry is completely fine, happy and full of way too much energy as usual! He is such a blessing who came into my life just as it seemed it was time to end. Now he’s such a beautiful, healthy, happy little boy, there was no reason not to have him. Nobody believed in me really…but I said I wanted to have him and getting rid of him was not an option for me despite what others said when I was pregnant. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to Harry’s father who didn’t believe in me at all and wanted an abortion. No matter how terrible he says he feels about it now, he said it because he didn’t believe in me and I proved him wrong. I proved everyone else wrong too.
I know I’ll do what I need to do for Harry in future. I worry a lot about the future but I will do what I need to do, I know I will.