disgust.

i hate programming.

i could never do this as my job.

sure, it’s interesting enough as a class that just wastes my fucking time, but do i want to make a life out of it? absolutely not.

i can’t do this. i CAN’T go into programming even though i know it makes money and tech jobs make money and humanities majors don’t earn money i know i know i KNOW.

i hate it. i hate it so much.

i’d rather go into business or something as dry as accounting, for god’s sake. my ultimate goal is to go to law school and become a civil rights attorney, jesus christ–i don’t want to go into programming and computer science even though my dad thinks it’s a good idea.

i want to die. i can’t do this. I CAN’T DO THIS. I CAN’T JUST DO THIS THING THAT I HATE FOR THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE.

i don’t even know if i’ll LAST a proper lifetime. i want to die. the suicidal impulses are getting to be too frequent; i don’t even know how i manage to get by every day.

how do i tell my parents who refuse to listen that i would rather fuckin die than go into programming because they never listen they never have listened and they’re just going to shame me into agreeing again and it’s hopeless, it’s hopeless. i feel like a shaken-up can of coke, ready to burst open and seep away.

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