depression sucks

Here we go, another one of those Lows.  I wonder if subconsciously I knew that this was coming? Over the last few weeks I have been very stressed out and worried about this whole Gabbi with high school thing. The week before Thanksgiving I started Christmas shopping for decorations and Christmas decorating. I knew what I was doing when I was doing it. I even told Jamie that I was seeking retail therapy. I had hoped that by decorating and listening to Christmas music that it would change the direction of my mood. I went from Christmas decorating shopping to Christmas present shopping. Still trying 2 fill that sadness inside. I’ve read the Bible I’ve prayed I’ve even read through some of my Bible study books. I know that God loves me I have no doubt in that. I am confident in my faith. But yet I still get these seasons of extreme sadness. Sometimes for only a few days sometimes a few weeks. I noticed I stop picking up the phone, even more than usual. I stop cooking dinner. I stopped cleaning. I even stopped little things like just taking a few minutes to pet tiger instead of just putting him out the back door. It’s like so many of these things take so much energy that I just don’t do them. I find myself isolating and getting more Angry quicker. I  avoid  having needed conversations , even ones that aren’t bad. Like planning  for a trip to Chicago,  and just having the conversation with Jamie about  do we bring the kids do we not bring the kids  how do we go about going.  Or calling dad and ask him is he going to go to Chicago. I pretty much just do the bare minimum to get by. These times are hard. I’ve been in these before so I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I know that eventually this extremeness will go away. It’s the question of when, how long can I survive this, how long can my family survive this? I don’t think many people understand this, I don’t think Jamie does at all. He is such a get up and go, and a “doer” that he doesn’t understand when I feel like I just physically can’t. So, more than anything when I hit the seasons I feel bad for him and my family. They are the ones that miss out, they are the ones that have to deal with me, he is the one that ends up having to pick up the extra Slack. It’s not fair to them or anyone. It’s not fair to the friend that calls or sends me a text and I don’t respond. It’s not fair to the client who text me a simple question about their hair and still no response. This season of my life-negatively effects every bit of my being. I wonder if this is what my Mom feels? I know that there are times Where She lays in bed for days, and then after some time she seems to have gotten better, only to eventually hit the bed again. Does she understand? Is it something hereditary? Being that the only person I feel just might understand the seasons is my mother- makes me question what’s truly going on . Is it just me? Is it just the wrong frame of mine? Is it all about perspective and being mentally strong? Is it about being lazy? Or is there something more? Is there some kind of underlining mental or physical cause to the seasons? When researching at some point I usually end up reading information about bipolar. Some of it fits. But I wouldn’t say that my extreme sadness causes me to be reckless in life or  that  it causes me to gamble with the important things in my life .  On the flip side I wouldn’t say that my happiness  is Extreme or manic. There is always that little voice inside that keeps me from “extreme happiness”.. Makes me 2nd guess everything, doubt, tells me something is wrong with me- I’m not good enough I won’t ever be good enough ect. Alot of the times I can quiet that voice with positive thoughts that I dont allow it to control my everyday life. But when this season happens that voice teams up with every other negative voice in my head. The hard part is that sometimes I can’t even pinpoint exactly why I am sad. I just know I am. I go to bed exhausted. I wake up exhausted. I am so tired throughout the day. I search my thoughts for a reason why Im sad. I try to connect dots.. and sometimes I cant figure it out. Sometimes Im just sad. Is there a way out of this cycle? Does everybody feel this way to some degree? I wonder if everybody goes through these seasons but some are just more acknowledgable? Life is just hard sometimes. How do I/can I pull myself out of this? I remember the first time i heard ab Paul in the Bible. At some point he says he was given a thorn in his flesh, a message from the devil to keep him humble. We never no what exactly the thorn is but he also goes on to say Gods power is made perfect im his weakness. and that he will boost ab his weaknesses. He asked God 3 times to take it, but God said no his grace is enough. Is this saddness, or my lack of self worth my thorn?!?! I struggle so much with self esteem. I always feel I’m failing at life. Even when ppl compliment me, i will say..well they only see surface stuff they have no idea whats really going on.  I dont feel like im really good at anything. I think Im just an average hair dresser, why can’t I be like the stylists I see on internet? anything that seems like i do “good” at its things i think everybody could do just as good or better than me at if they tried. I fail at being a mom/wife more than i succeed. I use the tv and electronics to “babysit” the boys. I dont talk to them or spend time with them the way i should. With Jamie- I fail him everyday. why cant i be the wife he deserves? I am probably the shittest friend there is- which is directly related to me having no friends. After Candice’s wedding I remember the next day me thinking about how much I missed her friendship. I wrote a long letter to her went and bought a card for her even made copies of our friendship book we made in 7th grade all to send it to her, but I never did. Why go through all that trouble and not send it? I’m not sure. But that’s just one story, I fail all of my friends this way. Is this my thorn? Is this what keeps me humble? Is everything meant to be “healed” or “fixed”? God told paul no, so maybe thats the answer for me/us. Maybe we all have thorns that allows Gods greatness/power to be displayed through? 

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