the truth? you were the best thing that ever happened to me. it saddens me to think you may not realize this, but you made me the happiest I had ever been in a very long time. I will never forget the moments we shared and the way you made me feel whole again. I never thought I deserved to feel a love like yours. it was a love that every fiber of my being felt so deeply, and I will continue to long for the remainder of my life.
you helped me shine on my darkest days. you made me believe that it was okay to be who I was. I finally accepted being the guy who made everyone else laugh and then went home being kept awake by my demons. no one had ever made me feel so comfortable in being who I was. you loved every part of me, no matter how dark or disgruntled.
but despite my best efforts, you met the same fate that everyone else in my life has had the misfortune of meeting. I let my anxiety get in the way. slowly and gradually, I became the guy they tell every girl to stay away from; insecure and simply a burden that kept dragging you down.
the emotional torture you had to go through with me every other day was unjust and unfair for someone like you, someone who had overcome so much damage throughout her past. it was remarkable how you never let any of that stop you from believing in me to be a better man. but… I could never be the man you deserved.
I am not going to lie. being with you was a challenge for me every second of everyday. I wanted to be better for you. I wanted to overcome all my insucurities so you would have every reason to rely on me. I wanted to be that pillar of strength you could always hold onto no matter what. but the only problem was that I always said these things and never actually proved them. in fact, my actions always did quite the opposite of what I said. and that’s something I knew you had started noticing, as the faith you had in me began crumbling.
I know who I am; an extremely emotional human being who can burst into an episode of great sadness at any second. and that is why I was always afraid of myself around you. but saying all of this puts you in a negative light, when the reality is that I always knew in the back of my mind that no matter what wrong I did, you would always be there to forgive me. and you were.
but, I broke your heart. I disrespected you. I disgraced whatever little faith you had left in me. I literally shattered all the things we ever stood for. I could not be more ashamed of my actions. and the way you have simply gone silent ever since, raises so many voices in my head that I have to keep fighting every second just to make sure I don’t fall back into that pit again. this is exactly what I deserve.
I know what I did was wrong. by the end of it, I became obsessive. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to be where ever you were. I had become so insecure. I just could not believe how far I pushed yo u, and I had no clue that everything I was doing was only increasing the distance between us. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that the thought of us I had held onto for so lonlg in my mind had slipped so far away from my grasp. I was confused. my mind so clouded. I couldn’t look at the bigger picture anymore; everything became too dark for me to visualize.
now… now I look bakc on it; I guess burning all the bridges down was the only way I could save you from myself. I knew you would have never given up on me so easily and I would have always been there to look out for me. but I would have never stopped disppaointing you every step of the way.
from being your happy place to being the worst thing that ever happened to you, it was never my intention to leave you as yet another life lesson. you have been ridden of this burden that I had become. it has never been your burden to bear.
so now you are free, just the way a beautiful soul like yours deserves to be. I will forever hold myself responsible for the damages I have caused.
and for that
I will always be sorry