I don’t know how but I’ve survived finals.
And now all I want to do is go to sleep for the rest of eternity.
The only thing that helps me get up in the morning when I feel like falling into pieces is the comfort I find in knowing that if it ever really gets that unbearable/painful I can always end it, and I can always take my own life. I know thats ‘sad’ and pretty pathetic, but its true. I get up in the morning by telling myself ‘I can endure today, if it gets to be too painful tomorrow I can always end it’. And it really helps me, I know I can end it and that helps.
Friday, Ayato and I are flying out to spend the rest of December in Japan. I’m fucking excited, but at the same time I feel bad since my parents were SOOO bummed that I wouldn’t be spending Christmas or New Years Eve at home.
Truth be told, I don’t want to go back home. Not because I don’t want to spend time with my parents, but rather because I don’t want to spend the next two weeks faking like I’m okay. I don’t want them to worry about me, so I don’t want to tell them that I’ve been severely depressed. I don’t have to fake it with Ayato, he knows, he says he feels sad that I don’t want my life. I feel stupid whenever he tells me that, since his grandfather (and only living immediate family of his) is dying of cancer. And here I am, this fucking bitch, useless, and no reason to be so broken – throwing away the miracle of life. Fuck I am pathetic.