So if you’re reading this you may already know I cried at work today. The reason this time was the loss of a phenomenal job opportunity. Probably the best opportunity for people with a high school education in my area.
If you think it’s no big deal I’m obviously not descriptive enough in how beneficial this could have been for us. The location was much closer than my current work. The starting pay was 16 and hour. Oh and they were primarily seeking to fill the night shift. Meaning I could remain at my current office and join this company.
Sure I would have been tired and not had any time for my children, but if there’s another single mom living check to check she knows what I was thinking! Work the two jobs long enough to get out of debt and move to a nicer neighborhood. Yup! That’s what I was thinking! Next tax bracket dreams of better school districts and suburban living.
But now that dream is gone. And I just don’t know why. It’s literally a plant! I had a good interview. And I had the minimum education requirements. Why would they turn me down? Don’t they understand I have three people relying on me??? Don’t they know I just want to be better and do better???
Why did it have to be me turned down and not someone else??? My coworker was offered the same position I applied for a few weeks ago and she and her husband decided she shouldn’t take it. Why does someone who makes more than me and has a two income household get the option and I don’t???
To pay a bill in my house is to deny myself or my boys something we need or want. It seems for others it’s just so easy.
I make 461 a week after taxes and monthly commissions. When I do well my commission can pay all of the bills for the month. But if I don’t do well, it’s a rough month. Today I paid 253 towards my late car note and spent 75 on groceries. I still need to fill up my gas tank for next week which will be another 50 gone.
Normally it’s not so tough. It’s very helpful to get paid weekly, because anytime a bill collected calls I can set an arrangement for the following week. But I’ve overdone it on Christmas this year. Yup! I already know what you’re thinking, “how can you cry about money and spend a lot on Christmas?”
Have you ever had a Christmas with no gifts? My kids have. Have you ever had a Christmas where you had no meal? We have. Have you ever had a Christmas where all you could do was lay in your room in the dark praying someone came to know at the door with something, anything for your children because you had nothing? I have.
I can’t justify it because January is probably gonna suck money wise. But the feeing of being able to make their dreams and requests they’ve made all year but I just couldn’t make happen finally come true brings an abundance of joy to my heart. I always do but last month I really really worked my butt off to get a good commission so I could make this a good memory for my boys.
Honestly, writing about it now is helping with the sadness of losing out on that job. I don’t want to work this hard, I don’t consider myself overly ambitious. If it were just me I would be content just getting by. But I really want the opportunity to move ahead so we could at least be stable ya know?
I have a son with ADHD and he’s in a class of 46 kids. They call me constantly saying “he’s not focused” or “he’s acting out again, can you talk to him?” Of course he’s acting out! He can’t help it! Of course he’s not focused there 50 kids in the class. You don’t have time for him! I planned to move to a district with smaller class sizes and better supportive services.
My eldest son is bright and very active but all of his energy is wasted around the house because he can’t do activities because one his school doesn’t have any. And two because I don’t get off work until 6, which is too late to drive him to the suburbs for any of the classes.
Mans my little ray of sunshine my youngest can’t even go to school because the district we are in only allows kids who turn 4by September. His birthday is in November. So he just sits at my moms house every day while she sleeps, (she’s not lazy she works the graveyard shift at a mail processing center).
So in conclusion, yeah I cried at work. This time it was a job. Other times it may be the overwhelming sadness of being lonely and sometimes it’s just a weight I need to get off my chest. Whatever the reason, I save those sorrowful moments for the bathroom at work, my lonely bed, the car or the shower when no one can hear me and can tell me it’s going to be alright. I don’t wanna hear that when things like this happen. I just want to be sad and have someone listen and say nothing.
I just want to crawl into my little depression cocoon until the storm passes and the sun shines.