Well, this weekend was awesomesauce!! I had an incredible time with my kids. Once again, they were very thankful for everything. It blesses my heart so much. My kids are soooo sweet. The church sermon was great. It was focused on the 3 wise men. They were intellects but still had the the faith and gumption to travel a great distance to give worship the new born king. They were the first ones to worship the savior of the world. They followed their heart instead of their minds. It’s no secret that when we would be traveling that I would peek over towards the passenger seat and imagine my beautiful bride sitting there. It actually didn’t bring on anxiety. It brought on hope and a smile.Also, to round out the day, I got a glimpse of this amazing woman. I did not make it obvious because I do not want to make her mad. I had a talk about faith recently. I will let no man tell me what I should or shouldn’t hope for. We all have to many people whispering in our ears. All I care about is what God’s word says. I know that God’s word says that miracles are reserved for even a sinner like me. I know what I want….. period. Thankfully my parents are encouraging and do not speak negatively. All of my family LOVES my wife. No person will say a negative word about her. It’s no secret that I done wrong. I took my family for granted just like I do the running water. I appreciate the water faucet and just assume that water will come out when I turn it on. I felt the same way towards my family. I appreciated them… but I took them for granted. Not on purpose!!!! I just became laxed. I did not nurture my wife. I only wanted to show her how disappointed I was with our lack of closeness. It worked!!! (but not how I wanted). It backfired. I could not make her love me but I succeeded in driving her away. There is a song that says “you never loved me like I loved you”. Sometimes I tell myself that was the case. That she just never was close to me. Then…. because I am fair… I look back on my marriage and start to count the ways that she showed me love. For instance, having an undeserved party for me when I got out of jail. That still makes me teary eyed. She used to make my plate of food. I refuse to believe that she was doing those things out of strictly servitude. I would rather assume that she had love for me. Being fair to your spouse includes always assuming the best instead of the worst. Towards the end…. I only assumed the worst. I assumed that she was sabotaging our marriage. When she came back home in the summer of last year I really do believe that she wanted it to work. However, I think that she drug all of her hurts along with her. Did I?? Maybe! I really was working on forgiving her but I kept messing up. That awesome trip that she planned for our anniversary was so sweet of her. But…. I heard her tell her friend on the phone “I Love You” and it hurt me bad. I acted out and ruined our trip. That is all on me. She deserves an award for effort. I got her wedding ring out the other night to look at it. I imagined her wearing it. It is stored with my favorite picture of her. Please don’t get judgmental but the picture is of her at her heaviest. It might not make sense to some but let me explain. You see…. looking back I know for a fact that I was never unsatisfied with her physical body. She was just as satisfying to me then as she was any other day. I wonder if she ever thinks about that?? (That I never gazed on other women). I used to joke about it to others if they had a bikini calendar or something. I would say “I have the best woman that there is”. Not a single other woman could bring me the satisfaction that she did. I know that she would be mortified if that picture was ever made public. I get it. She is a woman and is self conscious about things like that. But she could always count on me to say “I love you” and “you are sexy”. I miss her. Lord help me through this because no human can. You’ll be in my dreams again tonight wonderful lady.