Twas the Friday before Christmas……………

Well well well. Went to dinner with my parents and sis. I actually couldn’t wait to get home so that I could write in my journal. It is very therapeutic to write about my love, hopes, dreams. One day I want to be able to look back at my journal and be thankful for what I brought myself through. It was another day filled with hope as I would frequently catch myself staring off into the distance daydreaming about my beautiful bride and children. I have been trying to twist my thoughts from negative to positive. For instance…. instead of being sad about this separation I try to look at the possibility that we are both being healed during this time. Maybe this had to happen to align our minds with Gods will. A friend would always tell me that I need to find “myself”. I really didn’t know what that meant. Now I do!!! I realize now that I hung every emotion and confidence on my marriage. I was no good for her if I was not at peace/confident with myself. I hung all of my happiness on her shoulders. I was really not an asset to her but I swear that I did not see it at the time. I have failed many times however I think the most attractive thing about me is my quest to get my family back. I have been told by many people that I am doing the noble thing. I am going to start believing that this time apart is actually rebuilding us for a bright future. I refuse to believe anything less. I have so many regrets because of bad decisions. I will not give up right now and regret it later on. I must pursue what I believe to be the right and honorable choice. One day she will look into my eyes and say “thank you for not giving up on me”. I believe that we have many prosperous years ahead of us as a family. Yes, we have lost financially but like my dad says… it’s only money. We still have our health and healthy children. That is what truly matters. I seen a deck of cards in the kitchen and was thinking back to when we would play rummy almost every night. We were putting our relationship ahead of other things. We weren’t on our phones ignoring each other. It is just crazy how when you seek first the kingdom of God that your mind can be healed and more understanding is brought about. I think that she could not have had the possibility of healing if I was in her face all of the time trying to convince her to love me. I seen a meme the other day that said “I wish that I would go back to the day we met and walk away”. I hope that she doesn’t feel that way. I was going through my FB memories today and sure enough… there was a post that I made that said “Dang, my wife is awesome”. I will not take it back. I really do believe that one day she will have an understanding about the way I feel for her. I take all responsibility for mistreating her. Because of the deep love that I have for her, I could make her a happy woman for the rest of her life. I truly lay myself down. I have learned so much. The blinders have been slowly peeled away from my eyes. It is not about me!!! It is about pleasing her and then I will reap the rewards. Sowing and reaping. A very simple biblical teaching. I always told her that if she could read my mind that she would blush. However, like she said, actions speak louder than words. My actions out of anger made her feel worthless. I am going to step out on a limb and say that even her parents will one day thank me for doing the right thing by stepping up and making her a happy wife & mother. It seems impossible but once again, God is the perfecter of relationships. He will mend our hearts if we seek after him. One day I want to rest my head on her beautiful tummy that made my 3 children and profess my love for her. I want my best friend back!!! I regret that I have had to walk this road because of bad choices however it is never too late for any of us. I want to walk through this storm and come out jumping for joy at what the Lord has done. My family will be a testimony to the masses. We will be an encouragement to others. Thanks you Lord for second chances!!!!

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