Tuesday December 26th

It’s only 9:43 and it’s bad. My mother has called twice. She is being angry and agressive to me. She’s mad about my brother’s nasty house that she’s staying at and his dog is old and having problems and she’s being mean to be for it. This is out pattern. Things go bad for her and it falls on me. She yells at me and sends me into panic mode. I started thinking about killing myself when I was a teenager. I really wish I was dead right now. 

I am getting the feeling that this is how it will end for me. It won’t been carefully planned and executed. One day I will just have had enough and I will do it. That is what will happen. 

Later…

I’m considering starting some sort of blog to get my thoughts down about my memories.I would like to have them recorded if my kids are ever interested or maybe writing them all down will help me heal. When I post something in my ACOA group about my mother and others comment saying things about the situation that are true, my instinct is to defend her. I guess in addition to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and OCD tendencies, we also get Stockholm Syndrome. 

My mother’s cousin is in the hospital. She went to visit her on Christmas Eve. My mother could not stop talking about how wonderful her cousin’s son is to his mother. She also says stuff like that about Gerald’s mother. She really doesn’t get it that just because she physically gave birth to 3 kids, she doesn’t get to be worshipped by them. I took care of the other two about as much as she did. I know I am definitely the sickest of the 3 of us with the ACoA stuff and the co-dependency and all. I took the biggest hit. Neither of them understand that or appreciate that at all- how much I had to take that they didn’t. 

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