Journey to self discovery is exhausting. Constantly thinking, putting together pieces of the puzzle from the past, present and future. Trying to make sense of each and every event that comes across your path, It never ends. If you learn to embrace this, this never ending journey never stops teaching you valuable life lessons.
I was on Prozac for 3 years, where it beautifully veiled my world into a state of ignorant bliss. Nothing bothered me and it certainly made life easier to deal with. I would wake up, pop a pill, and mosey through the day as if on auto-pilot. People would say, “you’re so focused at work…you do your job and you don’t let the day to day things get to you. I wish I was like that!” Besides my closest friends and spouse, I wasn’t too keen on sharing that I was on an anti-depressant with my coworkers. Initially, the doctor put me on Prozac when I came in to see her one day for shortness of breath. She noticed my pulse was elevated but my lungs sounded clear. My chest xray came back completely normal. She asked 1-2 questions max. One of them being, “do you think you have anxiety?” I’ve always been an anxious person, but never really thought about it. I answered back, “maybe? I don’t know…maybe I do.” She wrote me a script and without hesitation, I started on the regimen that sent my spirit into a quiet hibernation.
When me and my husband got married, we fought a lot. and I mean a lot. There was no blissful honeymoon stage for me…all I remember is screaming, crying, and hurting. Yes, there were lulls where we would enjoy each other’s company, but with an undertone of anger, hurt and resentment. When I asked my husband now, nearly 6 years later what he remembers from when we first got married, he doesn’t focus on the bad. It upset him greatly that all I remember are the bad times. I can’t control what my soul renders back. It’s unexplainable and sounds selfish to others.
When the medication really started to kick in, his hurtful words didn’t hurt so much. His screaming didn’t bother me as much as it used it. The little things that would drive me insane were now tolerable. I’m thinking to myself that this is a miracle drug. During my follow up visit with my doctor, I told her that it was life changing. I still remember the response she gave me: “If only everybody was on Prozac, this world would be a better place.”
Year after year passed by with little to no thought of getting off this drug that basically turned me from an anger crazed maniac into a submissive, timid, wife I felt I was expected to be. Abruptly, I had a mental breakdown 3 years into taking the medication with no apparent rhyme or reason. I felt extremely depressed and felt I had no purpose in life. My spirit was suffering the most slowest death and screaming for recognition.
I made an appointment to see my family doctor again, who recommended I up my dose and see a therapist. She asked if I had a suicide plan and I said no. Being a nurse, I knew what she was doing. She wanted to make sure she documented that she asked if I had a plan so if I did end up hurting myself, she would be off the hook.
Like slapping a bandaid on an oozing, gaping wound, it provided the temporary fix to ‘keep calm and carry on.’ Nobody noticed anything different and I prided myself on it. I went to therapy a total of 3x and realized it wasn’t for me. It was much too superficial.
It was around this same time where I started to come across intriguing articles online talking about questioning everything I’ve come to know: the new world order, global elite families, illuminati, chem-trails, toxic fluoride, reptilian race, school and tv programming, flat earth, vaccine injuries, GMOs, crisis actors, false flag events, Monsanto, project blue beam, Hollywood pedophilia ring, HAARP, Georgia guidestones, just to name a few.
Slowly, I actually did start to question everything, thinking I’ve gone off the deep end. But there were too many coincidences that lined up to prove otherwise. Many people are quick to label these are ‘conspiracy theories’ and deny it. This belief that contraindicates everything we’ve grown to know—this cognitive dissonance— is at the core of our protective mechanism and oftentimes we continue to live the way that is familiar and comfortable.
This was the time at which I discovered the same “miracle” medication that I was taking to ‘be less sad/anxious/mad/depressed’ was in fact dumbing me down to not question the very way we live our lives. In the healthcare industry, it is HIGHLY discouraged to abruptly stop taking any antidepressants due to unwanted side effects. In fact, the only side effect I experienced was unforgiving, pure raw, emotion. Things that I haven’t felt in years. I felt elated, shitty, angry and my spirit was slowly awakening. I began to feel again. Yes, it was difficult, but smooth waves never made experienced sailors. This was just the beginning on my journey to self discovery and true self love and this time, I’m ready.