Hate to say it…

Oh I’m sure he’ll be over the moon to hear it, but the Lion was right. I’m never going to find better than I had with him. It just doesn’t exist out there. While he’s completely blissful (so I’m constantly told) with his new woman, he’ll never in a million years admit that the one that was supposedly “just a friend” was never just a friend. I’ll go into that later. For now though let me start with why I finally had to admit that. I’ve never had much in the way of self-esteem to begin with (and never really would). People can’t stand me. They pretend to like me for whatever reason but the truth eventually comes out. When I’m no longer useful to them, poof. It’s been well over a year since the disastrous break up (when he ended up with buyer’s remorse). He’s been through 2 women since. One betrayed him and stole something he loved (though he’s back at it again, which means shopping again). The other is the one he’s with currently. 

Since that time for me though I’ve entitled it “Adventures in Dating”. Why? If it isn’t the wang pics (guys believe those are magical and make women swoon, headline news… It doesn’t.), the 50+ year olds that are looking for something younger, anything so their libido feels special (it’s not), and so much more. 

Guys whine that they want a woman that can hold her own and be independent but then chase after hoes or expect to get a ho. So far I’ve been offered sex, to be a sugar baby (the 50+ set), a side piece, sent wang pics, and numerous other things. I’m too fat. I’m too thin. I’m an ugly bitch. I’m stuck up. I work too much (that one causes me to scratch my head. Like none of you are actually paying my bills, I am.). Can I pay for everything? Can I take care of them? A lot of men I’ve found have mommy issues (the same as daddy issues but much worse). I’m too independent. I’m “too strong”. That one really had me shaking my head. The ones that want the benefits of a girlfriend but don’t want to commit. On and on. In the nearly year that I have bothered to try my hand at dating I want to say maybe collectively 5 were okay. Out of those 5 I don’t talk to any of them. Honestly? There was no chemistry there. I did try though.

What has all this done? Proven that I’m the worthless PoS that my ex told me I was. I was even told to “dumb down” who I am to land a guy. It’s just kicked me in the teeth to the point that I’m mostly done with the human race on the whole. Being reminded constantly that I’m never enough, hell I grew up hearing that every day. That I wouldn’t amount to anything. 

I have a job. I have my own car. I have my own place. I pay my own bills. Hell I help out friends when they need it. I don’t drink. (Apparently that’s a bad thing as well.) I worked hard to quit drinking and then I was told that maybe I should pick it back up again because I’m “more fun” when I drink. I’m working on quitting smoking. (Not an easy road that one.) Yes, I look like 5 miles of bad road when you got to pee. I get that I’m no winner. Hell I see the commercials for the dating sites all the time with these gorgeous women looking for love and so forth. I’m a 2 at my best. So basically I don’t have a hope in hell. I’ve plain given up.

I was also right about another thing. I had said when I moved into my place that none of my friends would bother coming to see me (yet I always made time to see them which in one case included an hour drive) and in the three weeks since, only my brother has bothered. I could drop dead and no one would notice. So I fill my time with more work even though I’m exhausted. I don’t go to bars because there isn’t a point for me to. I don’t drink and I seem to get annoyed being around drunks now. My ex roommate is proof of that. He drinks, A LOT, and I just can’t tolerate it. In fact the last drunk text I got from him was the be all end all. 

Okay, so I said I would talk about the ‘just a friend’ thing. I hate that phrase when guys use it. I’ve been cheated on enough with that phrase being the so called be all end all answer to who their partner was. Yes I blame the guys for it, not the women. Well some I do. The ones that knew who and what I was to my SO certainly are to blame. The rest? Bet they had no clue. 

When he met the woman, he had gone on and on about how “beautiful” she was, how “gorgeous” she was, how “perfect” she was. Right in front of me. Then he started calling her when I was at work, making sure to be off the phone by the time I got home. How did I come to learn that? He suggested he and I call her one night. I had told him to wait while I asked for her number. He said it wasn’t necessary since he already had it. She had given it to him and he had her call him several times already. I was dumbfounded. That was when I wasn’t comfortable with his relationship with her was. See, before he divorced his wife, he did the same thing with me. Had me call after she went to work and stayed with me on the phone until she got home, then evolved into sneaking off when she was home. Patterns. So when he started spending more time online and on the phone with her than with me, I kept telling him I wasn’t comfortable with it and to please stop talking to her. He dismissed me. Finally one day I just lost it. I was stressed and tired of being disrespected by him. He was outside on the phone with her. It was the final straw. Yes I handled it poorly. I went out, slapped him, tried to take the phone from him, did, threw it, and then screamed at him that I was tired of his shit and being treated like shit. Before this, I worked a 40 hr work week, was going to school, and having to clean the house because all he did was sit in front of the computer from the time he got up until he would finally go to bed. He rarely left it. He just broke it off with me, told me I was a piece of shit. I abused him. I isolated him (he did that to himself) and right after started talking on the phone to this particular woman for 6,10, 12 hours a day. Ignoring everything just to be on the phone with her. Including buying a cell phone because she insisted on it. He had her send naked pictures of herself and masturbate on webcam for him. Yet she was just a “friend”. When she stabbed him in the back (rumored only) he floundered then went hunting for another one. He would torment me by talking to me but then get silent. He would swing from things possibly being a new start to I’m a piece of shit, I’m crazy, I’m the toxic one, I’m bad. At one point in time he had told me that I was better off dead. 

Now since that fateful day, I’ve been single. I have been hard on myself because honestly that’s all I know. If I’m not perfect then I am a failure. If I’m not living up to everyone’s expectations, I’m a failure. Since September of 2015 until now I’ve had no one in my life. Now I can’t even imagine a single person wanting to have a thing to do with me. I’m a horrible person. According to my ex, I’m exactly like my ex husband. Even therapists have told me that most likely there will be nothing that can be done for my self esteem since it’s so deeply rooted. I’ve tried everything they’ve suggested and to be honest, I return to what I know best. From mother, to ex-husband, to the latest ex, continuous reminders that I should just stay away from people and then I can’t hurt anyone because I’m so evil that I taint everything I touch. I wish things could be different, but I know they won’t ever be. And so maybe it is for the best that I stop trying because if even my own mother couldn’t love me, how the hell would anyone else want to, including myself? The answer? No one.

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