01/31/18 — Diagnosed pt. II

Today I woke up feeling pretty much the same as yesterday. I keep sweating like crazy, so I’m pretty sure I’m sweating off my fever. I felt better this afternoon before I started sweating like crazy again. This evening I went out with Monica, her brother, and his girlfriend to Party City, Barnes & Noble, and Target. Then Monica and I went to a taco truck so I could get some food. I really was not feeling so happy today, and felt I deserved the tacos. I actually really wanted some pupusas, but with my luck, they had run out at the truck we went to. So I was left with quesadillas (which I got chicken even though I ordered tromp??) and some fries. I feel like the bottle that is inside of my mind tipped over today and that no one really wanted to listen. I internalized all of my feelings and I think what set me off today was just the realization that I need to take care of myself. I finally went through all of the stuffed animals today that I shared with Dino so that I could give them to Monica’s nephew and it hurt the littlest bit. I think it was just a matter of getting rid of things that I’ve been so attached to for the last three years. I’m glad that they are going to a good and caring home though. No one really talked to me today. Well, that’s a lie. I talked to the EMT today for a little bit. He is apparently out of town for work, but finally made plans to hang out with me when he gets back this weekend. So I guess there’s that to look forward to. I also talked to Robert today. We played some games of league and shared some playful banter. Then earlier tonight when I was in bed, literally on the verge of tears and not sure why, I ended up venting to him. He empathized and told me to watch something, if only to distract my mind. He told me to watch Tokyo Ghoul, which I assume is one of his favorites, because he’s been raving about it for a while. I’m on episode three as I write this, so I guess you could say that I’m enjoying it. Despite the playful and mean bantering that we tend to have, Robert is actually really sweet. I know I’ve said it before, but I miss talking to him. I imagine that we will be able to be better friends now that I don’t have someone controlling who I talk to (granted we weren’t having the best conversations before). Our brains have an interesting amount in common with the way that we react to others and social interactions, however, I think that his brain has  made him better with not revealing his feelings or with not having as many feelings, whereas my brain is very passionate and has a lot of feelings. I also feel like I’m not making a whole lot of sense to anyone other than me. I hate having so many feelings sometimes. But I also have moments where I am completely numb and have no feelings, so I guess my brain is just weird or just reacts in weird ways. 

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