I have always hated when I am right. This is one of those things. I have given up writing, a hobby I loved mostly because I know that I’m not very good at it and many have agreed. Not this kind of writing. Online role play/creative writing. I spent years doing it and I loved the hobby, but honestly the ex killed it for me. From destroying one of my loved characters and making her unplayable to brow beating me for 24 hours through text about a hobby and nothing more. I sometimes still indulge myself when I have time but it’s not very often and usually short lived.
The ex had a cycle and being his friend for many years before we even began the path we were on once; I knew this cycle far better than anyone. This last time he exhausted so much time extolling how no good came from the hobby, it was a waste, people that enjoyed the hobby were a waste, on and on. Now patterns. I have mentioned them before and I pay a lot of attention to them. This is the cycle. Starts something, does well for a time, does something ignorant, destroys it, waits for a time (generally 6 months to a year), reappears, rinse and repeat. This last time when the woman he had been courting before and after dumping me as he claims, betrayed him, he swore up and down that he would never return to it. I stopped him and said the very thing that I repeated over and over. Patterns. He would wait a year or so in the hopes that everyone had forgiven and forgotten. He would show back up and the cycle would start again. He swore at me that it would never happen. Then I learn guess what? A little over a year and guess what? Yup. Back at it once more. For me? I know the cycle will continue once more. I’m almost curious to sit back and watch as it happens once more. Instead, I’ll wish him well. Hope things work out for him, but can’t ignore patterns. It will eventually happen. And each time I’ve been blamed for it. Maybe he might get it this time when I always told him that he does it to himself.
I know that I’m getting to become more introverted since I just seem to be able to be around others online. I can’t afford a gym. There isn’t anything that I am interested in and I just haven’t found the motivation to do anything. I haven’t found anything that interests me. It also seems for the best since any time I am around people I feel like they’re staring and judging me. That everything my ex said about me, they all know it. That I’m just going to turn into this violent monster. I know that I won’t and that the situation that caused it was extreme but I can’t help it. He had isolated me when I lived there. Not comfortable with me having friends. He didn’t even like if I made stops before heading home. He would call until I answered and be upset that I didn’t call to tell him. It was that isolation with only him as physical company and friends and my kids on the phone as company. He never seemed to realize that I was being social myself as he didn’t seem to care unless it was some female online. Always females.
It had always been his choice to go out, but he chose not to. Didn’t even like running errands. He would say it was for his son’s sake, but that wasn’t true either. It was for his. He never liked being far from his computer. He wouldn’t clean the house. He called it his way of socializing, yet he couldn’t ever seem to socialize with males. This had me uncomfortable. He would tell me he only had me and his son, but that was by his choice. Things he did would cut me off from people more and more. Further isolating me. Before him, I was a social person. I didn’t mind talking to people, but he changed all that. While living with my daughter I was able to further isolate myself and sometimes talk on the phone with people. I find myself isolating myself further and further. Not caring if I engage with people or not. A test comes at the end of the month when I would like to go with my daughters and their guys to the Ren Fest. My brother as well. See how I can do in a setting like that.
One thing I am realizing is that I’m pulling away from another person. That one has lied to me (though I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think I know), and well just been a little shady. I’ve been rather straight forward as I normally am, but I just can’t deal with hot and cold. I had that with the ex and it is a sure way to have me just walk away. Maybe I should, no matter how I feel for him. It is another thing to wrap my head around I guess. Perhaps tell that story tomorrow.