The Kid Thing.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m meant to have kids. Lately it seems that being 30 is the same as being doomed. Everywhere I turn I hear jokes (not aimed at me but still applicable) or statements about how no one wants to be 30 and having their first kid.  And yes, I know, people have babies at 40 and 50 or whatever but that isn’t comforting to me. I didn’t want to have babies or a baby much past 30 either. Now I’m here with no Prince Charming in sight and I can’t help but to wonder if maybe I’m not meant to have kids. I like them. I like to think I’d be a good mom? Everyone says I would be. But my heart isn’t 100% set on having one. Part of me is sure and part of me couldn’t be more uncertain. The odds stacked against me doesn’t make me feel very hopeful… I think about how my Mom had a patient the other day who had no family to take care of her. Can you imagine? No family, no legacy to leave behind? I have a HUGE family and we have so much fun together. I can’t imagine not giving that gift to someone else… And I like to think all the lessons I’ve learned these past few years would help me to raise a kind little human. One whom I could encourage to use manners and be humble and thoughtful and charming… The world now days is so harsh and cruel and manners are becoming more and more rare. Maybe my little human could be just as rare but in a good way. Maybe they could instill a change in peoples lives. If you’ve seen the movie Gifted then you might remember the scene where the little girl (Mary) asks about God and her Uncle tells her she has to decide for herself whether or not she has faith. He was encouraging and kind but wanted her to make the decision for herself. It made me smile to think we could do that and trust they’ll make good decisions in life. But I’ve also seen the trials and tribulations that teens go through now days and I can’t imagine trying to navigate them as a parent. It scares me to death. What if I raise a human who makes awful decisions? One who is the polar opposite of what I just said? What if they end up being a horrible, mean and uncaring person? Ugh. And of course I worry about my abilities to raise a baby… I couldn’t carry a baby for long periods or haul around a car seat. I wouldn’t be able to run around with them all day, bending over to play and pick them up… So how do you know? How do you keep looking for the right person if you don’t know if you want a family or not? That’s a big deal to most people. Here I am thinking of buying a truck and trailer and traveling and on the other hand I’m afraid of growing old and having a kid… I don’t want to pursue it if we’re talking 35-40 before the opportunity presents itself… I’m trying to be my normal “carefree, leave it to God” self but I’ve been hearing it so much lately that it’s kind of getting to me like “damn…”. 

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