Tuesday February 13th

I had to cancel my therapy appointment for today because I have to work the basketball game at school this evening. I have got to start watching what I eat and getting back to walking. I don’t even want to know how much weight I’ve gained since I moved. I look so much better skinny. SO much better. I hate myself even more when I’m fat. It sucks that I’m not one of those people that doesn’t want to eat when I’m depressed. That would be awesome. Unfortunately, I want to eat everything when I’m depressed. Mostly sweets. 

I’m so sad and lonely. I am going to Gatlinburg this weekend with my friends. It will be good for me. I am really sad about losing out on that job, about Brent, about being broke, about pretty much everything. Life is so unfair. I hate it when people say that karma is a thing. That some behavior will come back to bite someone. It doesn’t happen as far as I can tell. I know a lot of complete assholes that have everything going their way. I seem to be a born loser. I hate myself so much and I hate my life. If I could go back to about age 14 and start over, knowing what I know now, I could not be in this mess. 

I don’t know why I keep hoping Brent will change his mind. He’s not going to. I just asked him if there’s a chance he might give me a chance some day. He responded ugh. That makes me want to die. It literally makes me want to die. Why does he hate me so much? 

I say I am going to stay alive until my animals have passed away, but the truth is, if I get bad enough, that won’t be enough to save me. Why does no one want me? 

Later, that same day…

It’s now 4:48pm. I’m still at school. I have to work the ballgame. I guess I’ve been reading Brent all wrong. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why is he so against me? He came to my house for Christmas Eve. He does things that make me think he’s considering me. I just cannot understand it. I want to be happy so badly. I want someone to love me so badly. I Googled carbon monoxide tanks earlier. I understand how people kill themselves. I truly do. You feel like there is just no hope of your life ever being good. You have fucked it up so badly, it cannot be fixed. That’s what I have done. I have fucked my life up so badly, it cannot be fixed. 

2 thoughts on “Tuesday February 13th”

  1. Depression is the worst 🙁 im so sorry you’re going through these feelings. I really hope you don’t kill yourself. Life is so hard, but if there are bad moments there will also be good moments. There can’t be one without the other. And those good moments are what you have to live for. Hold on tight. Much love <3

  2. Thank you so much for writing. My depression has been a struggle since I was a teenager, but I’ve always been able to snap out of it. This last bout started in late 2015, and I haven’t been able to completely shake it. I have to fight with myself every day to keep going. Yesterday was really hard. Kind words like yours help to keep me going.

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