Saturday February 17th

The nice thing about yesterday was that Bethany was here and she took me out to dinner and we went to look at a house. That was nice. My school day was hard. My 7th grad classes are awful. They won’t shut up. They never stop talking long enough to learn anything. It is a source of frustration every day. My 6th grade classes, I can control.. I will most definitely watch the web site all summer for jobs, but if I’m going to be in the classroom, I might as well stay where I am. Especially since my principal told me she thought me having all 6th grade next year shouldn’t be a problem. 

I don’t know what I want. I need to get it through my thick head that Brent is not going to be a part of my life. End of story. So now what? Do I want to look for a family home, do I want a small place, what do I want? Do I intend to keep having animals? When John and Sophie are gone, will I get another dog and/or cat? One of my issues is I want to solve everything now. I have learned to tell myself that I don’t have to decide anything today. I have a lease where I am that is until October. I don’t have enough money saved up to buy anything, either. I may need longer than October to save up enough money to buy a place. If I do intend to have a dog always, then I need a house with a fenced yard. When Jack died, I didn’t think I would ever have another dog I was so heartbroken. We lived 2 years without one before I got John. I wasn’t expecting Jack to die so soon, he was 11, but I had it in my head that he would live to be 15 or so- I have no idea why I thought that- I just did. When he got sick, and I Googled golden life span, etc., I found out that 10-11 is usually it. I will be more prepared for that with John. I know I will still be crushed, but at least it won’t blindside me like Jack’s death did. Sophie is around 19 now. I know her years ahead are few. She still acts and looks healthy, though. She runs around and plays like a kitten. I might get a new cat- not sure. I don’t know about the claw issue. I do think now that it’s cruel to declaw a cat, but so many years ago when I did it to Sophie, I didn’t know that. I don’t know that I would want to live with a cat with claws. Noah’s cat destroyed one side of my couch slip cover with her claws. Again, I don’t have to decide today. 

I am going to Gatlinburg today with my friends. I’m sure it will be good for me. I am thinking now that it is likely that I will be alone forever and I have to be okay with that. I have to just stop trying to figure out what to do about it and instead focus on how to make life worth living alone. I do love children, so fostering might be good. My concern with that is the hours I work. I am at school 10 hours a day. What kind of parent can I be? I would have to get my school life under control in order to be able to have the responsibility of a child. Even if the “child” is a teenager, I need to be present and available to parent them. 

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