Lost In Paradise

I have had a nice break this weekend with Harry being with his dad, Harry’s other grandparents are dropping Harry back here at 4pm. My mother and I decided to go to town today…she doesn’t usually go out with me much so it was nice that she wanted to go out with me. There were a few things she needed and she was a long time in Boots…she likes the brand Lancôme and she is usually there for ages with someone showing her what products they have at the moment and all of that so while she did that I went to the shops opposite Boots and did some shopping. I know I shouldn’t have shopped, I feel really guilty now. I bought a few things and went back to Boots and my mum had only just come out! Not sure if she even bought anything in the end. She did get rather miserable during our outing but cheered up a bit when we stopped for tea and a slice of cake in M&S.

I feel really weird now. I was thinking about Jodi earlier and how she was my only friend whilst sectioned in Heatherwood Court and all my other friends moved on…I just wish she was still here, I wish so much I could e-mail her right now. The tears began welling up and I have been fighting them so hard that now I have this horrible sort of knot of pain and anxiety stuck in my chest…took three 2mg of Lorazepam which I know I shouldn’t have done either but I need this painful knot of despair stuck in my chest to unravel and go away. I shouldn’t feel so sad…I was reading some of the stories on the MSN homepage when you open up the internet browser and the stories were awful, so many people dead, a little boy so desperately ill with even more desperate parents….these are truly awful things and yet here I sit in my room as my parents still let me and my son live here and I’m just throwing heaps of money away on shit my son and I don’t even need and buying tablets to try and block out all the shit that seems to go on inside my head despite my comfortable and spoilt lifestyle. Oh fuck me, fuck you Lizzie you don’t deserve any of the good things that have happened to you, you don’t deserve nice things, you didn’t deserve to survive so many dangerous and fatal situations you just don’t fucking deserve any of it and even though I am grateful for all I have I still rage about how I don’t deserve it, I am grateful I promise but sometimes I hate myself so much and know how much I don’t deserve any of it so much that it screams endlessly inside me and I don’t know what the fuck to do.

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