1/12 I’ll just pile things up here until you let me back.
I’ve been listening to one of my favorite WD talks. It’s about love. It resonates with me. I first listened to is after my sister left this world. I first heard it at exactly the time I was meant to hear it. I listened to it again last week for the first time in a while. I needed to hear it at that time too. It all comes down to love. In everything we do. 1st and foremost love of our own self. If you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone or anything else completely. You have to have love “with-in” to love “with-out”. ~~~In an ironic twist I just emailed L with an “I love you and I miss you”. Why? It has been my belief that the reason I keep hanging on to him is because of my lack of love for myself. How do I transfer the attention that I give him to ME? I love and miss that person that loves and misses ME! Where is she right now? Where is she? She’s in me. I know she is. I want her to be here now. I need her here now.~~~I subscribe to a blog called ADDitude. It has helped me understand S’s diagnosis. And it helped me diagnose myself. I too have an ADHD brain. I never knew it. I always knew I was smart but somehow I just couldn’t perform. I always knew I was different but didn’t know why. That’s a lonely place. Very lonely. I just read in the latest edition of ADDitude about a book called “Smart but Stuck”. Sounds an awful lot like me. I’ll give it a read.~~~Just sent L another email. I think this borders on insanity sometimes. What does my keeping up this charade gain me? What do I get out of it? Escape from the here and now. But why? The here and now is good. Very good. I need to be involved in something.~~~Today is my brother’s 60th birthday. Seems like a lot of birthdays, but in the grand scheme – not really. He’s healthy, happy and loves his family. He works so hard in a very dangerous job. But it is what he loves to do. ~~~
1/15 – Had a really nice weekend. My kids were awesome. So “on”. They played with each other so much. Legos and a wii game they had not played in a long time. They are watching the same show. And listening to the same audio book. This morning I left them snuggled together in her bed. It was a picture I never want to forget. Love them so. Got on very well with H too this past weekend. We had a little bit of much needed alone time on Fri night. Sat each of us spent time with the kids. I played games and watched a nature program with D. H took S to see StarWars. Yesterday H hung out with D while I took S to a gathering at a friend’s house. Sat during the day I spent some time re-organizing the basement storage area. Oh the shit we have gathered over the years. It’s terrible. I was able to empty 3 bins that had very little in them but were taking up space. I’m sure there are 3 more in the same state. It’s still a mess down there, but I feel a small sense of accomplishment. With me almost constantly this weekend was L. I couldn’t shake him. Still can’t.~~~I’m waiting on the school to see if I have been selected for a job. I picture myself telling my boss (who I admire) that I am resigning. That will be a good day.~~~On Sunday H and D and I went skiing for a while. Got 4 runs in. It was cold but the sun was shining and that made all the difference. D is a good little skier!~~~Feeling anxious. No response from L. That’s a dumb thing to be anxious over but it’s there. More significantly is the job thing – I mentioned it earlier and I’m’ still obsessing over it. And there is my certification application that I expected to be approved by now. I keep checking. And I try calling but no one answers the phone. So I’m a little bit scattered.~~~Today is my brother and SIL’s 29 wedding anniversary. ~~~
1/16 – crabby crabby crabby. This foul mood was set off by an email from a co-worker who was asked to do a task that I am essentially responsible for. Pissed me right off. Trying to move on but it’s not happening. H is sent me a list of reminders. That pisses me off too. Gotta shake this.
1/17 it is my nephew’s birthday. He is 29. A boy who never got any meaningful treatment of ADHD. But he is doing fine. Where his social skills are lacking he makes up for in hard work. And I believe he has a really good heart. It is not my place to judge. I hardly know him. I was listening to some youtubes on adult ADHD. Like everything else some things apply and some don’t. I had a sort of “owning it” moment as I was listening. It was a good feeling. Then a 180 at work. I had a responsibility taken from me. It’s a crappy feeling. But I do the task half-assed anyway. There really isn’t anything I like around here except for a few people. Industry in general makes me want to vomit these days. I have learned a lot in the past 2 decades. I feel like I have a wider view of the world. Just checked status of my TA cert. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Status has been updated. All the requirements are now “met”. I am just waiting on approval by the SED. Waiting waiting waiting.
1/22 – TA cert is “pending final review” but it says my cert is “valid 2/1/18 thru 1/31/21”. So essentially I have it. Just need that final click of the mouse. Now to find a job. I didn’t get the sup aide position that I interviewed for at the HS. A little disappointed in that but that is only because I want to get out of my current situation before I get shown the door. I have decided that I am going to talk to a health professional about adult ADD. See where it takes me. I can no longer see my trusted pcp as he left the practice, but there is a NP there that I like. She sees my kids. She has helped with S’s ADHD medication. It’s funny to think that I may have been treated for depression for all these years when maybe that’s not really the problem. Maybe it’s the unmanaged ADD that leads to the depression? Or maybe it’s both? I won’t know until I talk to someone. I wish H understood all this. I haven’t even ventured into a conversation with him about my suspicions. I don’t know how to start. We need to be mind readers.
1/23 – I have my TA Certification! I feel good about this. It is an accomplishment. But now what do I do with it? I apply for jobs of course. And I’m scared of course. Always scared. Just made an appt to see the PA tomorrow morning at 10 AM. I’m happy I did. It’s a step. In the right direction I hope. I am listening to the rain on the roof at work. I would rather be listening to it on the roof of my house. I love the sound of rain on the roof. It’s calming to me. I need calm. Last night H had the news on. It wasn’t news. It was 2 people arguing on top of each other. It was awful. It got me so agitated I couldn’t sit in my seat which I was very comfortable in. H is going to a job interview on Friday. I want him to get this job. But I have a feeling that it isn’t the right job for him right now. He’s happy where he is. This would be an opportunity to work in an industry that he prefers with people he knows and has enjoyed working with in the past. In those respects I really want him to get this job. But not if he is not fully qualified and comfortable with it. I so want to quit here. I just want to be home taking care of my house for my family.
1/24 – I FEEL GOOD! I went to the doc this morning. Just having gone and talked to someone is a huge relief. She was so sympathetic to my situation. So attentive to me. She prescribed an ADD med. It will be trial and error until we get it right. We will wean down the Prozac after I get started on adderall. We also discussed dermatology – I am finally going. Very much overdue given my family history. And the good old colonoscopy. Yay.
1/25 – yesterday my PA also suggested taking vitamin D. She says that most people in our area have a D deficiency due to the lack of sun. So I just added that to my shopping list. D and I went to yoga last night. I’m so glad we are doing that together. It’s so good for both of us. My mood has turned black this afternoon. I wish I could understand why. It’s like a black shade comes down on me. My patience level is so low. I’m in such a fog. I got my vit D. At least that’s a step in the right direction. Hopefully it will take effect in a few days. I’m sleepy now. Just want to nap. Oh life.
1/31/18 – shoulders down, breathe. My brain feels like it has a ping pong ball bouncing around in it. I have to resolve a couple of things. I have to call the doc’s office and follow up on a few items from my physical. Colo, derm, meds. Have to schedule an eye exam. Shoulders down. Breathe. Yoga tonight with D. Love our time together. Have to fill out applications for schools. H has 2nd interview at lunch today. Part of me hopes he gets the job and that it is a decent increase. But I only want him to get it if it is something he will really like. He’s unsure right now. Shoulders down, breathe. I don’t like walking in this building every morning. I feel somewhat like dead weight. For this organization anyway. Not for myself or my family. I am important to me. I am important to my family.~~~ Mom and Dad are in Fla. The warm weather is good for their aged bodies. I’m so happy they are able to continue to do this.~~~I felt good on the drive in to work. I left a few minutes later than usual. Less traffic. The sun was shining. I played music. Feelings of well-being filed me up. Then I arrived at work. I’m still ok. Not as good-feeling as I was. Starting to feel a little sleepy. Can’t decide whether to have coffee or tea.~~~ My nails look so neat and tidy. But I don’t care for the color. I need to keep it for another week and a half. It’s gel color. More expensive but it lasts! And lasts! Worth the extra $. Just have to pick the color carefully.~~~ Just spent probably 20 minutes in the FB quagmire. Such a colossal waste of time. Working on one of the applications for school employment.
2/1/18 – Today is my “Grammy’s” birthday. She passed away in 1999. A year after H and I got married. I’m glad she was there for that. She would have been 117 years old today. I wonder what she would think about the “me too” movement. I remember her telling me that where she worked she was subject to men making “passes” as they used to call it – and her saying there was nothing you could do about it.~~~I listened to such a good youtube on ADHD this morning. I need to have H listen to it. And others I have found.~~~Boss just got fired. This place blows.
2/2/18 – today is the day we first held S in our arms. While I was waking him up this morning I told him a little bit about how I was feeling on this day 11 years ago. It was a sweet moment this morning.~~~It’s a weird day at work. The air feels different. 10 good people gone. I feel – and hopefully this is grossly skewed – somehow responsible for my boss’s firing. Now that I think about it and see it in writing – that is grossly skewed! There is no way I am responsible for this. He is a professional with many years of experience. That is all.~~~Some happy fun news – H just got us really good tickets to see our favorite band in June. I’m very excited! ~~~More good news – on the professional front – given the carnage at work yesterday I registered myself to sub teach in one of our local districts. I got 4 calls to sub this morning. So, I told H that the work is very available. He asked that we just get through his potential job change and then make a move on the teaching thing. I told him I was on the same page with him. I had already thought that would be the best course of action.
2/5/18 – It was a really nice weekend. Fri we celebrated S. I got him a couple of little things he’s wanted. He was very happy. I made ribs for dinner. His favorite. Watched a movie of his choice. A choice which surprised me – Cars 3. It was cute. He watched it again yesterday. I didn’t expect him to want to give it another look, but he watched it again yesterday. Saturday was a busy day. D had writing class. I hung out at a café and finished my book for book club on Wed. Meanwhile H took S to his b’ball game. H said he played well. After his game he went with friends to stay the night. After I got D home from writing class I took her to her friends to stay the night. H and I had a date with some friends to see a show out of town. We took advantage of the free time we had before it was time to leave. It was so nice. Our pregnant friend was the dd for the night. For the most part she’s the one who organizes these live music outings. It was a 90 min + drive which she had no problem with signing up for. It was a late night for this old lady. I joke of course. It was late, but I’m not old. Not too old anyway. Such a diverse group of folks who go to these shows. People watching is ½ the fun. Yesterday we slept in. H made me a hangover breakfast. We picked up D at 12. S had another b’ball game at 1. We met the family who had him for the night there at the game. I was sad to learn that the couple are splitting up. Very sad. They looked like the storybook family. Looks are always so sadly deceiving. After getting home from b’ball we told S that he had to chill for a few hours before going on to his next gig. Another friend was having a superbowl party. We got S situated with lunch and a movie. D was doing her homework. H and I had another “date”. This time to the grocery store. We got that done and then home. I snuggled up to S for a while and crashed. I had to wake him to go to his party. The mom invited all the boys from 5 – 8. She said they played out in the snow more than they were inside which is a win-win for everyone involved. Back home H and D and I made some good party food. We ate well and watched the game. Picked up S and watched almost all of the 2nd half but we sent the kids up to bed before it was over. That was a mistake because S could NOT fall asleep. We should have just let him stay up because he just kept asking what the score was. Happy that Philly won. Always root for the underdog.
2/8/18 – here at work today – physically anyway. Mentally I am rarely ever here. I stayed home yesterday. S had a dentist appt at 8:30. School was closed due to the weather. After I got him home from the dentist, there was no way I wanted to drive all the way back to my office. I stayed home and napped. The kids were great. Got along so well. Played their games. Were good to each other. Didn’t give me too much pushback when I asked them to shovel the sidewalk. They were helpful doing a few things around the house that I asked them to do. I went shopping in the afternoon. It was quiet – again I have the snow storm to thank for that. It was so pretty out there. Even more so this morning when I first got up. A blanket of white on everything. Outlining the tree branches. Just magical. When I returned home from shopping I did a few things. H got home shortly after me. He took the kids out to dinner which I was very thankful for as I was hosting book club. Great discussion last night. I love our little group. Just 6 of us. Potentially 1 more. I’m not sure how I feel about the potential other member. She’s a great person. I do love her. She is political however. Very political. I’m not always comfortable with that. We shall see how it goes.
2/9/18 – hmmm…….hmmm…….just bored today. I keep getting calls from the school to sub. I keep declining with an “already working” excuse. D has caught wind of this being in the works for me. She said “just don’t sub in my school”. Funny girl. I’m not registered in her district anyway. Yet.~~~ Still waiting to hear about H’s potential change. We’ll be in limbo on that for at least another week. Ugh. He travels for work next week. It will be an interesting week with the kids.~~~Still trying to get my new rx from the doc/pharma. They seem to be pointing fingers at each other over who’s supposed to contact the insurance co. I need to try this stuff to see if it makes any difference. At the top of my mind is how to tell H my news and that I am going to try meds. I just don’t feel like he ever understands. And that is sad. We’ve been married almost 20 years. I don’t feel like I can trust him to be supportive. I feel so sad just putting that in writing. I hope I can get up the nerve to talk with him about it this weekend.
2/12/18 – I think it was WD who wrote a book called “I Can See Clearly Now”. Since my self-diagnosis and the confirmation by my hcp of ADD, things are clearer. I continue to get articles from ADDitude that are so validating. Everything I have done up to this moment has been a result of countless traits that I have both inherited and adopted throughout the course of my life. And ADD is one of those traits. Having the validation has given me a clearer picture of why I do (or NOT do) things the way I do them. I understand that it was not because I was in some way less intelligent than my peers that I did not excel in school – that I floundered in college. I am thankful for the therapists I saw in college that helped me get through. Though it was not clear at the time why I was having so much trouble, they saw something and were willing to help me with difficult professors. I understand why it is difficult for me to sustain employment for more than a few years. I have been at my current employer for 5 years. That is huge for me. Prior to that 3 years was about average. The biggest hurdle now is for me to tell H that this is what I am dealing with. I am so afraid that he won’t understand. He will say he does. He will say he will do what he needs to do to help me. But with my diagnosis of mild depression 20 years ago I never felt like he has truly supported me. Or believed me. It feels kind of lonely when you feel your partner isn’t fully supporting you. Lonely. I want to stop feeling so lonely in my marriage.
12/13/18 – I have done nothing work related today. Nothing. Wondering how much longer they will keep me here. Wondering how long it will take to get an answer on H’s potential job change. So much up in the air at the moment and I can’t concentrate on a single thing. I have to cover for my co-worker next week. I don’t know how to do her stuff. I kinda know. But not in detail. Need to get the detail before she leaves on Friday.~~~H is away. I miss him. And I told him that. Kids were good last night. I had a good run last night. Then took S to boyscouts. He got excited about going to a camp this summer. But when I told him he needed to work for it he said no. Ugh. I don’t know if he was truly excited about it or not. He tends to get caught up in the moment – that particular moment being when all the other boyscouts were excited about going. He’s so impulsive.
12/14/18 – Valentine’s. Full of love for my family. Love them so. Feeling uneasy regarding D. She’s at such a fragile time of life. And S is too. But the emotional differences in their age and gender are very apparent. I’m feeling like D needs more at this time. I often feel like I am not doing enough to support them emotionally. I try. I suppose that’s I all I can do. For a fun little treat I got them chocolate strawberries to be delivered in school. I hope they like them. I have candy hearts for later. I am going to make them chicken that they really liked last time I made it. D and I will go to yoga. Maybe S will go too – though I doubt it. I think it would be really good for him, if not a little difficult for him to stay focused for the hour. Company this weekend – brother, SIL and niece. Looking forward to it! H gets home tomorrow eve. Hopefully on time.~~~This limbo time is killing me. Don’t know about my job. Don’t know about H’s job. Don’t know about teaching. Don’t know about meds. Ughhhh!!! So much going on. I’m feeling paralyzed. L~~~ Confession – I was scrolling through old stuff from L. I spent way more time than I should have, taking time from the kids. I found myself short tempered with them and just feeling angry in general. It occurred to me that it was the trolling through the quagmire of old stuff that caused my crappy mood. Why? Why do I do it? It’s not fair to so many. Just breathe.
2/15/18 – “2018 Goals & Objectives” – topic of email from new boss this morning. You know what mine is? To get the eff out of this place. Still no word on H’s potential change. It’s making me pretty edgy. Kids were fighting this morning and I just couldn’t take it. So mean to each other. After reading about the latest school shooting, their meanness to each other really sent me over the edge. I lit into them about kindness and the lack of it in the world and that I won’t tolerate meanness at home.~~~H is about to board his plane home. While I am missing him and looking forward to having him home again, I’m thinking about how little we understand each other. Makes me sad. Just breathe. Shoulders down. Move forward.
2/16/18 – first day on Adderall. Not feeling any different really. I only had 1 cup of coffee. I was afraid I would get too jittery if I had any more than that. I haven’t done much work related work. Admittedly I had this notion in my mind that it would be a magic pill. Just take it and voila – ADD gone. Foolish to think that way I know. So here I am journaling after FB, email, web. Here I am.~~~H got home last night on time. Good to have him back. We had a good dinner together then had a great time playing a new game that the kids love. Then it was ice cream sundaes and TV for a while. We’ve gotten into a series that is a bit mature for them at times, but they understand just enough to keep it entertaining for all of us. H woke me up for xxx in the middle of the night. I couldn’t respond fully, but it was nice all the same. He said something to me that I thought was sweet. When I told him to finish he said ‘no – this is about “us”’. “Us”. It sounded so nice to me. “Us”.~~~ Been thinking about ‘trust’ lately. I think it’s kind of like love – how can you love others if you don’t love yourself? Well then, how can you trust others if you don’t trust yourself? I think our marriage has lacked in the trust department. And I take a lot of the blame for that. Yes, I said blame. It’s a terrible word. Here’s a better one – responsibility. I take responsibility for the lack of trust we have in each other. Privately there is a huge reason for this – that though I have forgiven myself I will live with for the rest of my life. But between H and I there is so much. I don’t trust myself to pay bills on time. I don’t trust myself to clean the house or do most anything in a timely manner. Work? – it’s clear that I can’t trust myself there. I don’t trust that H handles our finances in a way that maximizes our money.